Archive for July, 2004

A Long Day’s Journey Into Bobby Knight

My ode to Brian Dennehy.

Cocooned in moon basalt
A visual gestalt…
Don Ameche in a vault
And it was all Willy Lomans Fault.
From Freddy Prinze Junior’s Summer Catch,
Drinking shots down the hatch
We presumed your innocence-
thats where we detached.

A Legal Eagle’s journey, yes
Into Threes Company perhaps
That’s where you collapsed
Your career unwraps
While my toe taps…
for you next great role
As a Capulet or was that a trap you set
to lure me into the Fighting Fitzgeralds?

If analogies weren’t so S A T
I’d say just between YOU And ME,
Mr. Dennehey
That your roles are to you like sick days are to me-
Sometimes You just have to Phone Them In…
You put up a good fight,
Mr. Bobby Knight,
In your season on the brink
And a smile and a wink
to make us all think
That you did not stink
In Project Greenlight–
This is what we call

A Long Days Journey Into Bobby Knight.

My life is like a really anal retentive Corona commercial

If someone asks me if I am uptight or laid back, I have no idea what to answer. Depends on the situation? I’m not afraid of obvious things like getting attacked while I’m walking alone at midnight, yet when I want tell my boss I’m taking a day off my stomach will be in knots. I don’t understand me sometimes. Continue reading

Misty Watercolor Memories

I follow pop culture pretty closely. Sometimes I can feel my brain rotting from too much Access Hollywood and In Touch Magazine because those are definitely beyond “following” and more along the lines of
I live for seeing what Gwyneth wears to yoga”. I don’t really have to see the lists of every unconventional celebrity baby name that was given this past year with photos, the name of the Hollywood obstetrician that delivered them and what gifts good friend Kathy Najimy bought to welcome it to this world. It’s safe to say I measure my life in pop culture. Continue reading

Stuff I Have Done For Free Food

I am not so so poor that I’m going to go hungry anytime soon, but when I know there’s going to be an event with free food involved, a voice in my head says “regardless of who you’re with and what you’re doing, you must attend”. So what have I done for free food?
*Attended Bergdorf Goodman’s Beauty Days. Men who wear lipstick, women who weigh 9 pounds, Mini Hamburgers, Hot Dogs and Cosmos, you guys!
*Pretended I was interested in joining college clubs. Introductory Meetings always included bribes of pizza. I still get mail from the Alumni-Parent Admission Committee. Sometimes there are repercussions to that free calzone.
*Took a granola bar from a stranger the other day because she was handing them out as a plea for people to join her church in my neighborhood. Sure she was a stranger but I ate it and I’m still here aren’t I?? *Shopped at Price Club/CostCo/BJs. Samples samples samples!
*Weddings weddings weddings!
*Brutally boring company wide office meetings means enticing us with sandwiches and assorted other treats. Pass the pesto pasta salad!
*Running the Corporate Challenge. I’d do it for the free Power Bar at the finish line, but we also get taken out for dinner! You might think running 3.5 miles in 90 degree weather with people I don’t like is a bit much for some eggplant parm and antipasto, but you are not me.

It’s A Little Childish and Stupid, But Then Again, So Is High School

I was eleven when my sister graduated from high school. To me she had lived at the most perfect time in the history of high school, right when every great John Hughes movie came out. Everyone still had big hair, fringe suede jackets and French rolled pants and even I, a sixth grader, knew which seniors threw the best parties and knew when their parents were out of town. I would study my sister’s yearbook, the one she was editor-in-chief of, and could tell you who won best dressed, all the members of the baseball team and that Nathan Manley;s parents were divorced and therefore bought two spaces at the back of the book to congratulate him, one reading “Love, Mom and Jim” the other “Love, Dad and Sheryl”. Continue reading

Still Wishing I worked at the New York Post

I think two of my favorite REAL headlines are “Fairy Godfather” about a murdered gay mafioso (NY Post) and “Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch”, an article about the premiere of Planet of the Apes (Boston Herald). But I still have a few more of my own. And since the odds of these things happening are slim, I have included headlines about people who have already died.

Maude Save the Queen – Bea Arthur rescues Nathan Lane from burning nightclub
Lemmon Pledge – Jack Lemmon seen showing allegiance to his flag and/or rushing a fraternity.
Hall and Oats – Days of Our Lives star Dierdre Hall and old dude Wilfred Brimley reunite for “Our House” special
Ginger Ail- Gilligan star Tina Louise falls ill
Jewel of Denial – Alaskan singer who lived in a van sees no problem with teeth
Schwimming to Cambodia – Friends star dedicates memorial statue to Spalding Gray
Best Bi – Former Beatle comes out of the closet
Halle-Burton – Catwoman and “Big Fish” Director team up for new project.

NObody tells LIZ what to do!

I do not follow directions. I poo-poo serving suggestions and recommended daily allowances, I never follow recipes exactly because I don’t like to measure things out, and I would not make it as an engineer because I realize I don’t really care about things like structural integrity or things looking “even”. I think my favorite phrase is “good enough”. Meaning “I put some, but not all, the effort I could have into that endeavor”. Continue reading

P.S. Write back soon ok

Pen Pals. I love that phrase; I think it’s very adorable. Unfortunately I think the concept is great in theory but it’s always so awkward in reality, especially in the cases of school-issued pen pals. In fifth grade we were required to write to the neighboring town’s fifth grade class, almost entirely populated by recent Laotian immigrants. I can only assume it was supposed to be an exchange where both pals learned a great deal about different cultures and lifestyles but when you don’t know someone and don’t know what their grasp of English is it gets difficult. It’s hard enough to try and get to know someone by blindly asking them a few broad questions. Plus when Americans, or maybe just ignorant people, don’t think someone understands what they’re saying in a new language they tend to speak louder. But there is no way you can speak louder in a letter so you have to look stupid in other ways, by using very simple language.

“Hi! How are you? My name is Liz. Do you like Madonna? I like Madonna. Vogue is a very good song. My brother is Dave and my sister is Gretchen. My brother and I wrestle for the remote. Do you have a brother? Do you have a remote? Ok, Bye.”

As a fifth grader who is trying to be sensitive to the needs of a pen pal who may or may not know what you are saying, you become vague, are at a loss for anything intelligent to say and ultimately sound like an ass. However I would like to note that if I were writing to a Laotian pen pal today, this letter would still be relevant, except that I would replace “brother” with “boyfriend”. In college in Massachusetts, I volunteered to be a pen pal to two kids at a local elementary school. One of my pals was a girl named Jeanie. The first letter I received from Jeanie was fascinating mostly due to her description of herself.

“Hi How are you? Let me tell you about myself I have hazel eyes and I am tall for my age and I have blonde hair. I am white. I am 10 years old. My favorite bands are Hanson and Backstreet Boys. My favorite singers are Taylor Hanson and Nick Carter. Do you like stamps and stickers? Jeanie. P.S. write back soon ok”

I know she was only ten, but honestly, nothing about the rest of her letter screamed anything BUT “white”. Redundant? Yes. Bad person? No. Eventually I realized that the content of Jeanie’s letters only ever consisted of answers to the questions I had asked and I would get letters that were thoroughly confusing until I realized I had asked her what she was going to be for Halloween and that’s why her letter read:

“Hi How are you Liz. I was an Arabian Princess. Two sisters and two brothers. My hobby is drawing. Thanks for the stickers. Jeanie.”

Short and sweet I guess, but I am a girl and I could relate to her. I liked to draw and listen to boy bands too. Unfortunately though my second pen pal was Nigel. My correspondence with him only lasted one letter and, hear me out, I know you can’t really ever tell what someone’s tone is from the written word but here, I just got a bad vibe from this guy. The CAPS are mine to emphasize what an asshole this kid was/probably still is:

“Dear Liz, My name is Nigel. We have gym and music, art. Yes I play sports. My hobbies are going to war reenactments, drawing, collecting bullet shells and shotgun shells. And my other hobby is to camp in a wigwam long house in my back yard. Last week I was in a play called School House Rock it was fun. Have YOU ever been in a play in front of the whole city like I have? Yes I do have a favorite group in fact I have MANY. I am really good at dancing to ALL kinds of music. I am from Tacoma Washington, where did YOU come from? Yes, for Halloween I dressed as a Confederate Soldier. What were YOU for Halloween? Write soon, your pen pal, Nigel”

First of all, I never realized what a hotbed of Confederate action Massachusetts and/or Tacoma was and second of all, this kid thinks he’s hot shit, huh? Let’s not dance around this issue, a friendship between Nigel and I was not meant to be, but he was so fascinating to me. I don’t know why I never got a second letter from Nigel but I saved his first one because I was so intrigued. Who were this kids parents? Why were they letting him play with bullet shells and dress as a racist for Halloween? And exactly what kinds of music did he dance to?
I will never know because, just like all pen pal relationships, it never progressed far enough to get really personal. I guess maybe I have a negative view of pen pal-ism because the only really fascinating pen pal I ever had left me with no closure. Maybe I wish I had more time to change Nigel, to show him that there could be life without re-enactments, or at least I could show him “Glory” so he could learn what side he should be on. But then again, maybe Nigel kept all my letters and wondered why I only ever asked superficial questions. Maybe he’s been analyzing his own letters by asking who is this idiot college student? Why does she care so much about what I’m doing for the holidays? And why does she keep talking about Madonna so much? Who knows? Anyway. Write Soon. Your Friend, Liz

If I worked at the New York Post

I have always thought I would make a good headline writer at the New York Post. I have the cringe inducing ability to create bad puns and I love current events, it’s really a match made in heaven. My problem is that I create the headlines and wait for the stories to happen. Fingers crossed that one of them actually does, ‘cause you heard it here first…

“Bridge Over Troubled Walters” ABC’s host of ‘The View’ has mental breakdown (and/or dental work, perhaps)
“Rowlands with the Homies” Aging star of ‘The Notebook’ becomes Goodwill Ambassador to South Central L.A.
“Penn and Teller” Sean has affair with bank employee
“Dolly’s Llama” Dollywood opens petting zoo
“Rudy Can’t Fail” Keshia Knight Pulliam takes bar exam
“Beast Meets West” Ron Pearlman and former Batman TV Star become unlikely friends
“Nicholas Caged” Mall Santa arrested for child porn/petty theft/war crimes/whatever
“The Gourds Must Be Crazy” Pumpkinfest gets out of hand
“Who’s the Boss?” Bruce Springsteen hit on head, becomes amnesiac
“Phish-Styx” Hippie band burns in hell, mourners twirl with grief….OR…Jam band and hard rockers tour together…(But we all know more people would prefer that first situation.)

Preparedness, Anxiety Disorder – Tomato, Tomahto

I have lived my life in constant anticipation. Hopefully this is not the only capacity in which you people get to know and recognize me, I would hate to have the soundtrack of my life be overrun with Carly Simon. Like in that same unfortunate way that every time they play “Time of Your Life” by Green Day you think of graduation or the last episode of Seinfeld. Continue reading