Archive for August, 2004

Open Letter to Dick Wolf

Dear Dick Wolf,

Boy do we need to talk. Let’s just say that I used to be able to go about my daily life in a normal, unaffected manner but lately I find everything highly suspicious. I can’t clean my ferret cage/use the bathroom at a friend of a friend’s party/do anything on Canal Street without imagining that I will be the unlucky one to happen upon a cold dead corpse that we will come to find out was a real estate lawyer who was having an affair with his partner’s wife and had just bought two tickets to Mexico but little did he know he was being surveilled by a disreputable P.I. and before he could say “It’s nicer in Cabo” got whacked, all while wifey is visits a town called ignorance with a layover in denial. You are part of my routine now, whether I like it or not. And while I like the adrenaline rush I get from the anticipation of “will this be a case for SVU or just straight up Law and Order?” I do NOT like the hypothetical follow up line of questioning wherein I feel somewhat like a suspect myself. Continue reading

A head for business and a bod for sin

This entry should be read while you have “Let the River Run” playing in your head. I think that Reece put it most eloquently when describing our kinds of jobs this morning when she said “What are our lives coming to that we say things like, ‘My cubicle’ or ‘I get in trouble for yelling over cubicle walls’. I thought I’d be buying and selling people like me by now.” I personally can’t see myself buying and selling people, but if you knew Reece you’d know she was born for that. The getting in trouble for yelling over cubicle walls thing is a result of a memo that went around in my office, by the way, regarding office etiquette. Here it is in full. It’s pretty much all common sense, but the fact that the 80 employees in my office need to be addressed as if they were first graders speaks volumes.

Talking over cubicle walls is unacceptable.

When speaking in an open area, please be considerate of your co-workers that are trying to work.

While using a speakerphone your office door should be closed.

You should not use the speaker on your telephone when sitting in a cubicle.

Watch your language.

Clean up after yourself in the kitchen, bathroom, patio, and conference rooms.

If you have a meeting and there is food involved, let me know when you are done and the mess will be cleaned up.

If you reserve a conference room, please keep your reservation or cancel it if your plans change.

If you play music, no one but you should hear it.

Please do not yell to people as they walk by your cubicle or in your area.

When food is placed in the kitchen, please touch only the piece that you are going to take. (That one is my fave)

If a machine does not work please let me know and do not leave it for the next person.

One last thing about my office, the ladies room always ends up really messy like with TP on the floor and people who don’t flush those seat covers. Like, how old are you that you don’t think you have to leave things neat for the next person who’s coming in? NO common sense. Once, someone left some pistachio’s on top of the toilet paper and I tell you, it sure is a fun day when you get an email from an angry woman in Fixed Income asking “Ladies. WHO was eating pistachios in the bathroom?? DISGUSTING! Who would DO that?” I agree, yuck! But there’s something so great about a woman who would go to the effort of sending a company wide email to address the nuts in the ladies room.

Haiku Television

Answer key at the bottom if you don’t know what (possible cancelled and irrelevant) shows I’m talking about. 10 Haikus=170 syllables of genius, people.

Coffee, Yale and boys
Mother and daughter best friends
Kirk is so creepy.

Cries in every show
But looks good while kicking butt
Vaughn is a hottie

“My Carrie Necklace!”
We should all be so lucky
To shop at Dior.

Can things possibly
Get any worse for these kids
In San Francisco?

These old ladies have
Filthy minds but boy, they sure
Do love their cheesecake.

Meryl as a man!
Episode Three made me cry
Gays have it so tough.

He;s too nice for her.
Is it just me or do they
get on your nerves too?

SJP needs a
hot oil treatment here. But soon
enough, she’ll be huge.

How do I know it’s
the last joke of the morning?
It’s taped to the desk.

Enough already
with the flashbacks and saunas.
Ashley Judd’s big break.

Gilmore Girls
Party of Five
Golden Girls
Angels in America
Mad About You
Square Pegs
The Rosie O’Donnell Show

My Life In Politics: Part II

Lest you think I was a partisan child, I will have you know I wrote the Reagan’s twice while Ronald was in office. The first time, I’m sure I wrote a pleasant letter because weeks later, I received the standard informative booklet about the three branches of government. A decent gift but a let down because my sister, always the smarter one, sent Ron jellybeans when he was elected and got an actual letter back from him thanking her. I tried writing again, only this time I was a little more straightforward when telling him what I wanted. My parents were wise enough to know that a) nothing would probably come of that letter and b) I would really appreciate this letter when I got older, so they never sent it. I can’t thank them enough and I also want to say that seven year old Liz was not nearly as passive aggressive as twenty-something Liz because she told it like it is.
She called the first family by their first names, told them what she expected out of them, and was a little abrasive. I wish I knew her, she sounds fun. Continue reading

My Life In Politics: Part I

I used to write to politicians a lot when I was in elementary school. I felt like I was fulfilling my civic duty and since I couldn’t vote, being their pen pal was the next best thing. When Michael Dukakis ran for president in 1988 I hoped he would win. Not because I was a ten year old Democrat, but because I too was from Massachusetts. Also he looked like my mom’s cousin Jo-Jo from Maine and that was awesome. When he didn’t win the election, my friends Renee and Lindsay and I wrote him a letter of consolation and surprisingly and a little bit sadly, he wrote back. Continue reading

Fame – What You Need You Have To Borrow

I live an entirely separate life in my head than I do in the real world. In my head a LOT of stuff happens that you guys only WISH you knew about. One of the things that is a reality in my head is that I am a celebrity. But in my head I’m a B-list celebrity, which is A-OK with me. I don’t want to be so huge that the paparazzi follow me to the gym but I want to be huge enough to offer up the information about where I got my most adorable hemp napkin rings (Terence Conran Shop) to InStyle Magazine. Continue reading