Fame – What You Need You Have To Borrow

I live an entirely separate life in my head than I do in the real world. In my head a LOT of stuff happens that you guys only WISH you knew about. One of the things that is a reality in my head is that I am a celebrity. But in my head I’m a B-list celebrity, which is A-OK with me. I don’t want to be so huge that the paparazzi follow me to the gym but I want to be huge enough to offer up the information about where I got my most adorable hemp napkin rings (Terence Conran Shop) to InStyle Magazine.

I love the concept of celebrity because of all the lists, A-List (Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox Arquette), B-List (David Schwimmer, David Arquette), C-List (Marcel the Monkey, Alexis Arquette). You work your whole life, only to be put into categories that seem pretty harsh. Most C-listers are either working hard to move up the celebrity ladder or are on their way down it very rapidly. They are also the ones responsible for terms like “Celebrity Judge” and “Star Date”. I am definitely a B-lister who never stoops to that level. Instead I only agree to be on shows like Dinner for Five and Charlie Rose because that is so un-cool that it’s cool and that is by definition, what B-list is all about.

Back to the real world for a moment, where I recently saw a B to possibly C list celebrity who will remain unnamed, in a show where performers tell stories from their real lives. This person, who is a stand up comedian and was on Sabrina the Teenage Witch was telling a story about her childhood and she referred to herself as a celebrity or as being famous at least five times with no hint of irony whatsoever. The woman has certainly worked hard to get to a point where she is nationally recognized, but to spell it out like that? Ew. In my world, you are only really famous if my mother has heard of you, which means that the only really famous people in existence are Julia Roberts, Madonna and that cute doctah from ER who was in the Perfect Stohm. I just thought that was a bit lofty of unnamed comedian, especially since she now hears the phrase “Circle gets the square” on a regular basis.

The thing is that at least in my head there’s no pretense or pride. How can there be? Believe it or not, I still have to audition. My mother doesn’t know who I am. I probably won’t ever be a host on SNL. I know everyone on the sets but don’t get my own trailer, and that’s cool with me. I just don’t want the other people in my head to think I have a huge ego, no one likes attitude. That’s why I haven’t had more than moderate success in my imaginary world, I need something to keep me fictitiously humble.

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