Open Letter to Dick Wolf

Dear Dick Wolf,

Boy do we need to talk. Let’s just say that I used to be able to go about my daily life in a normal, unaffected manner but lately I find everything highly suspicious. I can’t clean my ferret cage/use the bathroom at a friend of a friend’s party/do anything on Canal Street without imagining that I will be the unlucky one to happen upon a cold dead corpse that we will come to find out was a real estate lawyer who was having an affair with his partner’s wife and had just bought two tickets to Mexico but little did he know he was being surveilled by a disreputable P.I. and before he could say “It’s nicer in Cabo” got whacked, all while wifey is visits a town called ignorance with a layover in denial. You are part of my routine now, whether I like it or not. And while I like the adrenaline rush I get from the anticipation of “will this be a case for SVU or just straight up Law and Order?” I do NOT like the hypothetical follow up line of questioning wherein I feel somewhat like a suspect myself.

Case in point, I went hiking while I was on vacation, only to conclude that anything I stumbled across that did not naturally occur in the woods was evidence and the odds of stumbling across a dead body were better than someone from the West Wing being on this week’s Celebrity Poker. Thanks, Dick, for tainting an otherwise refreshing holiday with the blue and red dye of crime that runs rampant in your world.

What I wouldn’t mind is engaging in some friendly banter with Lenny Briscoe, but dammit, Dick, what did you have to go do but let him walk off your show. And for what? Dennis Farina, that’s what. That means HOT WHEAT CEREAL in another language, or did you not know that? Cream of bad casting, that’s what I say. Jerry Orbach’s hilarious one liners about his ex-wives were just the right blend of self-deprecation and sass and as a New Yorker, I identified with him. But Farina, Dick? Ex-Chicago Cop? So help me Dick, if I catch him referring to the El train even in jest, I will stop Tivo-ing the 6pm shows on TNT, watch me.

Also, I saw Angie Harmon at H&M today, Dick. That voice, well, it brought some memories flooding back I just wanted to tell you that she was an awesome A.D.A. You do NOT want to get me started on my feelings regarding Serena Southerlyn, you hear? Don’t test me, Dick.

Anyway. Looking forward to new seasons of SVU, CI and Dick’s Famous Original Version. The Pavlovian effect of that ga-GONG sound at the beginning sends me into a fit, Dick. You think you’re so sneaky but I know you did that on purpose, I AM HOOKED. Kudos, my friend. Kudos.

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