Archive for September, 2004

I’m an idiot with the power to influence world news

Here’s the deal. Sunday night I was reading Entertainment News when I came across an article regarding the weekend gross for Resident Evil. The title was “Evil Does Good At Box Office”. So irate was I at the clear lack of editing and the poor grammar, I sent a mean email to CNN because they are probably the most recognizable news source in the country and they have a duty to be grammatically correct.

“It should be Evil does WELL, because otherwise you are just implying that a movie has been charitable, and I highly doubt Milla Jovovich was philanthropizing at a local theater near me. This is not the first time, CNN, that I have found discrepencies in your work. And you call yourselves a reputable news source.I don’t even hold a degree in English and I could edit this site better than the third grader you have doing it for you.”

I was so smug about what I thought was a brilliant and hilarious commentary on CNN and how crappy it is that I bragged to Luke and was like, LOOK at that headline. LOOK. Doesn’t it make you sick? At which point he informed me that it was a play on the word EVIL that is in the title of the movie, like good and evil. But whatever, as long as I was satisfied and found a way to be less bored, then good for me.

The story does not end there, friends! Today, I checked CNN to see if they had done anything about the matter that got me so riled up. And they DID! I am going to proudly say that because of my rant, they added parentheses to the title of the article to clarify what surely was an issue for all English speaking grammar checkers with nothing else to do on a Sunday night. See? One person can make a difference!

Not everyone should carry the weight of the world

I sometimes feel like I alone am responsible for making the world a better place. When this happens I like to go down to Rockefeller Center, buy myself an assorted box of Teuschers truffles, look up at my old buddy Atlas and realize, hey, maybe I don’t have it so bad. Here’s a guy, I mean, ok so he was totally built but like, he had to carry a giant globe on his back. Someone get a chiropractor on the line! Yikes!

But for reals, I get really sad when I see homeless people or crazy people and I only have so much change in my pockets. Change being a metaphor for help I can give them. But sometimes it’s also not a metaphor and it just means coins. But you know what I mean? I can’t help all the people all the time.

I do some smaller things that I feel are my share in making people feel better about themselves, however. Like, ok, if I see a guy on the street with a limp or a crutch, I will start to walk slower than my normally faster than average pace, to make him think that he’s not going that slow. I call this sympathy deceleration. I don’t do it to mock or anything, I do it because its innate. That means that the gene that makes me want people to feel better about themselves is already in me and I can’t help it! I just want people to know they hey, we are all in this together. But then sometimes this gets thrown off because yesterday I started to do this and realized I was up against like, a crutch racer or something, the guy was so fast! So then I started to speed up because I’m also really competitive. But that’s not my point. The point is I was still planning on beating him to the subway entrance, but by way of sympathetic deceleration, not by competitive acceleration.

Another way I try to help people is when I’m in the line for the bathroom at a bar and I see a girl who’s wearing something really ugly. I will always compliment her on her out of season purse or her flower pin that is so four years ago. Because you just know that maybe she was like “Should I wear this newsboy cap tonight?” and her roomate was like “Oh Shelly, not that old thing” and Shelly is like “But I like it! Come on, it’s not that bad is it?” and feels awkward about it for the first few drinks but then by drink number four she’s asking everyone for their opinion and singing “The World Will Know” from Newsies. And who am I to let Shelly struggle in vain? It’s the least I can do to let her know that she pulled that look off, although not really because of the shape of her face. But that’s the part I leave out.

I know it’s not entirely up to me to boost the self esteem of the world but if I can boost it for just a few people, who knows what could happen. It could be like a domino effect or a butterfly effect or some other special effect. And maybe because of me, someone out there will be like, hey, I can be president or I want to join Americorps or I want to further reduce the price of these Seven jeans…Lives will be impacted, and the world might just be a happier place. All in a days, work, I guess. Right Atlas?? Right!