Tiny Kitchen

* Certain facts in this story have been changed so that if I tell this story enough times, I start to believe them. I was interviewed for a newspaper yesterday and did some clever fudging of the truth, though nothing Jayson Blair-y, but I feel guilty for fudging anything. The word fudging makes me think of candy and poop. Together. Should you have been one of the attendees at my dinner, you will know the truth. The fudge factor shall present itself quite evidently as you read.

Did you know that I have cooked a very big dinner in my very small kitchen? You will soon enough! Jeff knows a guy who knows a guy who is writing a story for Newsday about New Yorkers who love to cook but have small kitchens and have cooked Thanksgiving dinner before. Jeff suggested I be interviewed because last year I made THANKSGIVING (wink wink) dinner at my house for like 12 or 15 people, I can’t honestly remember how many people were at my house for THANKSGIVING (wink wink) but I know it was a big party where several big wigs in New York’s improv and advertising communities left feeling drunk, full of PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE (wink wink) and high on LIFE (wink wink), wouldn’t you say, partygoers? (ps, Mom and Dad, that was for laughs-no one got high on anything).

When I got to my house last night, Photographer was already waiting for me. After doing several posed shots of “Liz cooking broccoli”, “Liz reaching into fridge to get yogurt” and “Liz retying open bag of baby carrots”, Photographer got the awesome idea that I should stand ON my stove. Because nothing says “I have a small but functional kitchenette” like someone who can easily crouch on the space between her stovetop and the overhead cabinet. So of course I said “Yes! Great idea, Photographer!” and did just want he said.

Now, I am a professional performer, people. I know how to work a crowd and take a stellar headshot. Right, former crowds and headshot photographers? But it is hard to smile in that casual but effortless way with just enough tooth showing, when your chin is resting on your ankle and your neck is bent at a 90 degree angle and you are hoping that the sole of your sneaker doesn’t melt onto the burner you were just cooking broccoli on. But it can be done, and do it, I did. Indeed.

A few more shots and Photographer was done. He and I both knew to quit while we were ahead, nothing was going to beat the picture of me pulling a reverse Sylvia Plath (stir frying thyself to death as opposed to baking). The interview was simple enough and in fact I did not fudge all that much, except to say what a festive AUTUMN (wink wink) holiday we all shared. The piece de resistance, howevs, is that I will be featured in this article with Miss American Idol herself, Frenchie Davis. I have made it, you guys. Can someone throw some cold water on me, cause it’s tough being so HOT!

The article should be on newsstands Thanksgiving Day. It would be really embarrassing if I didn’t end up featured in it and got upstaged by a reality show contestant named Frenchie, but that seems unlikely ’cause I am such a cache of soundbites and one liners. I said the funniest thing about the TURKEY (wink wink) I made. Honestly, I did.

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