Archive for January, 2005

Burrito Aficionado

Burrito Aficionado: If It’s Not A Burrito You Can Fajitabout it! Magazine is taking the world by storm, and as its Editor-In-Chief, I would like to introduce you to some of our favorite features!

Something to Guac About a.k.a. the Guac Box: A sounding board for our readers to inform us of innovations and new technologies employed to help build and enjoy a better burrito.

Whats the (Quesa)Dilly-o? ..So you like your food flat, eh? This section is filled with recipes, helpful hints and urban legends about the cheese and tortilla sandwich.

Nacho Mama…Burrito Aficionado’s version of Wednesday’s Child. Where ‘rito lovin’ parents can browse for a less fortunate taquito of their own.

Asada from That, Mrs. Lincoln…One thing Burrito Lovers also love…Theatre! Our resident Broadway babies review their favorite shows of late. In this issue “Phantom of the Opera”…more like “Flan-tom of the Opera”–Looks great, but no substance!

Back Page with Bruce “Who you callin’ Gordita” McCall

Break out the Beano

The Daily Liz is covering the Senate Foreign Relations Committee vote for Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State, and we are proud to announce that our headline is
Boxer, Kerry Think This Rice Is Full of Beans

My Very Own Donna Chang Moment

Call it ignorance, a bad assumption on my part or just one more way Larry David has influenced the world’s collective unconscious, but today I had a Donna Chang situation on my hands.
My boss was expecting a guest this morning, last name Csan. Was it so stupid to assume she would be Asian? I don’t know what the ethnic origins of a name like Csan would be, but I assumed wrong because when I went to the waiting room and was faced with a white, blonde woman I almost said to Mia “I thought Mrs. Csan was here?”
Needless to say Ms. Csan didn’t impart any Eastern philosophies on any of us on this day, but she did help us clear up a sales tax issue.
“He who pays 8.25% pays too much” said Ms. Csan. To which I replied “In Bed”.

The perils of administrative assistance

I had my quarterly review last week at work. I am not getting fired, which reflects nicely on my ability to make IMing look like I’m doing real work. Sadly though, my company is in no danger of being downsized and I am not proactive enough to quit, so it looks like I am stuck here for a while.

Boss said that I am reliable, responsive and diligent. I wholeheartedly agree. Boss also said I should use my downtime more productively. This is where I take issue. If there are two sides to every story, my side is undoubtedly the one that has been mentally rehearsed many times over, because it eventually expects the question (and quite frankly is surprised it has not already been asked) “Exactly what are you doing right now?”

What Boss may see as laziness or a misuse of company time on my part, I see as a reward. A reward for being so diligent and efficient when it comes to the work I actually DO. I do not like to work, therefore I do it as quickly as possible so that it no longer exists. Out of sight, out of mind, on to Gmail, thats my company slogan.

Being an accountant means Boss is probably most cognizant of the fact that time is money. And he wants his money spent on things like data entry and Excel spreadsheet updates, not Buddy Lists and what E! Online thinks of Jen and Brad’s split. (SO sad though, right?) But if I was a slower worker, I would not even finish updating the petty cash books in time to know that rumor has it that Brad was seeing Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

I don’t begrudge Boss for making a futile suggestion. I just wish he could see how I have made this job distinctly my own, I have turned it into a corporate onion comprised of many layers, only one of which is actual productivity in the workplace. The rest however, if he knew about them in detail, would make him cry.

Spy Kids 3-D the new Sgt. Pepper??

From today’s IMDB:
Banderas and Griffith See Dakota Application Turned Down

Married couple Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith have had an application to move into New York’s notorious Dakota building turned down – because residents don’t want another John Lennon “incident”. Ex-Beatle Lennon lived in the exclusive Manhattan residence for years before he was murdered at its entrance on December 8, 1980. The Dakota’s inhabitants are anxious to avoid a repeat occurrence and so refused Banderas and Griffith’s request to purchase a $3.8 million apartment. One says, “How could they be serious? The building is fickle when it comes to celebrities. They don’t want another Lennon incident.” The Dakota building was also the setting of director Roman Polanski’s classic 1968 film Rosemary’s Baby.

Catcher in the Rye carrying fans of Milk Money will be disappointed. Low point of your life: When co-op board members Maury Povich and Connie Chung become judges of what is in good taste.

Corporate Anthropologist

January 2005. Concrete Jungle.
This observer’s cubicle infringed upon when previously unoccupied desk across the hall is inhabited by new Cubicle Neighbor. Signs of primitive business woman behavior spotted in sensible manmade footwear which gets changed upon arrival, as well as divorcee status. A gatherer who needs no hunter. She assumes both roles, for she bears a title with the words “Risk Management” in it and hunts her prey on a Bloomberg Terminal.

No mate means hunting and child rearing duties overlap. Multiple communications made daily to check on whereabouts of her cubs. At times Cubicle Neighbor frantic when female progeny has not shown up for Girl Scouts on time. This observer has the opportunity to observe both mother and child during annual “Drag Your Offspring to Work Day”. Unattractive hyperactivity noted. Progeny satiated by pizza lunch and Shrek screening in boardroom.

One first notices that Cubicle Neighbor never explores the office without archaic Dooney & Bourke shoulder bag. Bag is grey in color, chosen to match her personality. This observer hardly knew that purses and intangible matter like personality could be cut from the same swatch, but it is so. What is in said bag that makes her feel naked without it? Whether Cubicle Neighbor is going to the room of rest where she dutifully grooms her coat and paints her face or to watering hole where she doubles up on coffee and water (more on that later), Cubicle Neighbor packs for the journey. Why packing at all is necessary is something this observer will not ever understand. This observer has been known to leave out tens and twenties from the petty cash drawer and the occasional Unlimited Ride MetroCard in plain sight to tempt the natives. Result of past experiments has been pleasurable realization that Corporate Code of Ethics effectively thwarts undesirable behaviors and co-inhabitants of workspace do not take what it not rightfully theirs, except with regard to Heavy Duty Stapler someone hoards despite being told it’s a common tool for everyone’s use.

Unclear whether Cubicle Neighbor has digestion problems. Frequent urination inferred from massive liquid consumption. At all times multiple beverages seen on desktop. At no time has one or less than one beverage been detected. At onset of workday, Cubicle Neighbor engages in what this observer has historically only detected in those who are hungover. The consumption, double fisting if this observer may be so uncouth, of both coffee and water. Dehydration countered by hydration in order to achieve maximum corporate potential, one hopes. (Productivity studies of Cubicle Neighbor pending.)

Cubicle Neighbor’s daily cycle ends promptly in order to catch her man-made serpentine rail beast back to outer reaches. What rush anyone is in to join the herd of generic cattle who convene below 34th street to return to their domiciles in New Jersey is beyond this observer’s comprehension.