Corporate Anthropologist

January 2005. Concrete Jungle.
This observer’s cubicle infringed upon when previously unoccupied desk across the hall is inhabited by new Cubicle Neighbor. Signs of primitive business woman behavior spotted in sensible manmade footwear which gets changed upon arrival, as well as divorcee status. A gatherer who needs no hunter. She assumes both roles, for she bears a title with the words “Risk Management” in it and hunts her prey on a Bloomberg Terminal.

No mate means hunting and child rearing duties overlap. Multiple communications made daily to check on whereabouts of her cubs. At times Cubicle Neighbor frantic when female progeny has not shown up for Girl Scouts on time. This observer has the opportunity to observe both mother and child during annual “Drag Your Offspring to Work Day”. Unattractive hyperactivity noted. Progeny satiated by pizza lunch and Shrek screening in boardroom.

One first notices that Cubicle Neighbor never explores the office without archaic Dooney & Bourke shoulder bag. Bag is grey in color, chosen to match her personality. This observer hardly knew that purses and intangible matter like personality could be cut from the same swatch, but it is so. What is in said bag that makes her feel naked without it? Whether Cubicle Neighbor is going to the room of rest where she dutifully grooms her coat and paints her face or to watering hole where she doubles up on coffee and water (more on that later), Cubicle Neighbor packs for the journey. Why packing at all is necessary is something this observer will not ever understand. This observer has been known to leave out tens and twenties from the petty cash drawer and the occasional Unlimited Ride MetroCard in plain sight to tempt the natives. Result of past experiments has been pleasurable realization that Corporate Code of Ethics effectively thwarts undesirable behaviors and co-inhabitants of workspace do not take what it not rightfully theirs, except with regard to Heavy Duty Stapler someone hoards despite being told it’s a common tool for everyone’s use.

Unclear whether Cubicle Neighbor has digestion problems. Frequent urination inferred from massive liquid consumption. At all times multiple beverages seen on desktop. At no time has one or less than one beverage been detected. At onset of workday, Cubicle Neighbor engages in what this observer has historically only detected in those who are hungover. The consumption, double fisting if this observer may be so uncouth, of both coffee and water. Dehydration countered by hydration in order to achieve maximum corporate potential, one hopes. (Productivity studies of Cubicle Neighbor pending.)

Cubicle Neighbor’s daily cycle ends promptly in order to catch her man-made serpentine rail beast back to outer reaches. What rush anyone is in to join the herd of generic cattle who convene below 34th street to return to their domiciles in New Jersey is beyond this observer’s comprehension.

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