Archive for March, 2005

whoislis.com

I spelled my name wrong in an email and now I can’t NOT go by my misspelled name because I’m too chicken to correct the situation.

I work in accounts payable. In accounts payable, if bills go unpaid, the money collectors come a-callin’. So one day I got an email from “Julie” who was inquiring about status of a bill and I replied to her email and hurriedly signed it “Lis”. “Lis” could be short for Elizabeth. But it’s not how I spell my name. S and Z are close to each other on the computer, I could also have spelled it “Lid” or “Lix” so at least phonetically I sort of make sense. But I just had no idea I made this typo. Until “Julie” wrote back saying “Thanks for your help Lis!!”. Well. I assumed that would be my first and last contact with “Julie” so no big deal, why bother correcting this bit of silliness. Right?
No.
Apparently we are really good at not paying our bills to “Julie”. I receive almost weekly emails from her, always addressed “Good Morning, Lis”, “Lis, quick question…”, “You’re a star, Lis!”. And every time, I cringe because I feel deceptive, having never corrected her and also stupid for not spelling my own name right in the first place.
Now that we have emailed like seven or eight times I feel like there is no way to ever correct “Julie”. I have dug a name hole and I can’t get out. I never sign my name to emails anymore, or if I do I go for a formal touch with “Best, Elizabeth”. I don’t know how much longer I can go with this deception. Even when I’m Liz I don’t sign things “Best,”. I am trying to be a different person so I never have to admit my wrongdoing! My life is now a screenplay written for Ben Stiller. Is that what I want? A life of uneasy hijinks that culminate in an even more uneasy climax filled with diarrhea and ferrets?
And poor “Julie”! I am playing her like a fiddle! I don’t mean to. It’s all because I am just too proud to admit my own lack of spellchecking. I blame Outlook. Stupid Windowz 2003.

The Pivot Report

I am prepared to answer a whole number of hypothetical questions that may arise in my life. I already have all my answers to James Lipton’s Inside the Actor’s Studio Bernard Pivot Questionnaire. You know the whole “Biggest Turn On” (“Summer days in the Berkshires” says Gwynnie Paltrow), “Least Favorite Word” (Hawkeye Pierce says “Vomit”), “What Sound do you Hate” (“Gossip” says Helen Hunt…please. Like she needs to worry about that. “blah blah big forehead…la la what happened with Azaria?”). That’s the Bernard Pivot Questionnaire. I want you to be informed while you are watching Bravo. And by the way, when I reach the pearly gates, I’d like God to say “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a higher metabolism”.

I also continually revise my responses to Jane Magazine’s “The Same Five Questions We Always Ask” and I dream of the day I’m interviewed for Gimme Shelter in the Village Voice.

Just in case they come up in conversation, I have stock answers to general human interest questions I’m sure my fans want to ask me but are too shy to. I’ll take Liz Potpourri for $200, Alex. What kind of superhero quality does Liz want? Well, if I were a superhero, the one quality I would like to have is the ability to be a fly on the wall whenever people are talking about me. Not a physical fly, I suppose, more of a human wire tap. It’s closer to a social super power for my own benefit and less of a good vs. evil, saving the metropolis kinda thing. Nonetheless it’s what I want.

This super power is very encompassing when it comes to being aware of everything that is said about me or done with me in mind. I’m not obsessed with myself, I am just curious about what everyone thinks of me, that’s all. I talk about a LOT of other people, so I am positive that I am the topic of a lot of people’s conversations. Tons. I’m just sure. That’s just how life is. You talk about me behind my back, I talk about you behind yours.
So like, when you tell your friends later today and are like “Liz is awesome” a bell will ring, an angel will get its wings and also I will feel a pang of satisfaction knowing I am being talked about.

I am only partly not kidding about this. I think about this superheroic trait a lot. It’s not that I want to know what people don’t like about me or anything, on the contrary, I would like to hear as many flattering things as possible. Because imitation certainly is not the best form of flattery. Being talked about is.

I don’t mean to Braga, I don’t mean to boasta

If there are two things I love, they would have to be ABC’s Wednesday night hit show Alias and the Spanish language. Imagine how happy I was when last night’s episode was more bilingual than La Isla Bonita. And if I do say so myself, I am loving Nadia…sometimes I even find myself thinking, wow, Nadia is Syd’s more fun and exotic and mysterious other half and Syd seems kind of like a strict schoolmarm with those suspicious glances she throws Nadia’s way sometimes. I am still in love with Jennifer Garner though so don’t start sending me letters. I’m not a traitor, just a fan of half sisters fathered by your mortal enemy who is also your boss.

Oh, also, if there’s a third thing I love, it would have to be Sonia Braga, a.k.a. Miss Westlake, who occasionally also does business as The Dragon Lady. The Dragon Lady tormented Theo and Cockroach with harsh discipline during math class but ultimately taught them a life lesson that even when the teacher is out on maternity leave, it’s never cool to bust out the boom box and breakdance on top of a desk. Because, well, when the Dragon’s away, the students will play…and get reprimanded by Cockroach who at that point starts doing business as Walter.

Sonia Dragon Westlake was on ABC’s Wednesday night hit Alias last night as an Argentinian Miss Hannigan with less booze on her breath. She was running a little Casa de los Spy Babies and was taking care of Nadia before hightailing it to Portugal and meeting Vaughn (wha? too many forced connections in this episode. Does Craigslist have a section for that? Forced Connections?). And by the time all that was over the scenes from the next came on and made me so excited. Syd David Blaine’s it up next week by being stuck underground in a box. I really hope she gets stuck on top of a flagpole in the middle of Bryant Park at some point this season, that would make me happy.

Search words are easy

I was recently looking on the admin page to this very site you are reading and came upon the list of search terms people plug in to find this site. Before I tell you some of the terms though, let me just say that I can’t even get this site to come up when I google “whoisliz”, “Liz”, “Black”, OR “awesome”, so I have no idea how search engines function.

Anyhow, some of my favorite search terms that you, my gentle readers, have been using are (and I’m not making these up and didn’t even realize that I had written these word combinations):

newsies printable sheet music that doesn’t cost anything I love that someone was searching for this in the first place. Detective Liz says broke musician with love for musicals about periodicals was sorely disappointed when they found this site.

seth meyers jewish interesting

the notebook movie how does it relate to aging a topic I have written several dissertations on with an emphasis on how Gena Rowlands hair is so damn full.

kelly preston and maroon 5 if my site comes up when people google these guys, I am just befuddled. stars of this caliber deserve thousands of sites devoted to them!!

pictures of deformed babies stranger than fiction look, http://www.whoisliz.com/thesebabiesaregross is something I don’t normally share with the general public but if you’re gonna search for it, it’s there.

jeff hiller what is that all about? get your own site, hiller.

crazy things happen all the time david this generation’s “what’s the frequency kenneth?”

eric nies salary I didn’t realize I had written an entry about minimum wage earners. Heyoo!

frenchie davis headshot Frenchie and I are bonded for life in cyberspace and in articles about small kitchens, what can I say?

jon foss single someone has the hots for JF!!!

wire sculpture karate well now this is just weird. i did a wire sculpture of the Karate Kid in my sculpture class in college. so it’s either a weird coincidence or someone out there is totally stalking me! nice!

keshia knight pulliam in her underwear EWWWW! Someone wanted to look at Rudy Huckleberry in her underpants! WHat is wrong with people?

serena southerlyn fired from law and order on 1/12/05 Two words. Les. Bo.

difference between ska and emo Alex Trebek says: What is..a backpack? Also acceptable…”black framed glasses” or “horn section”.

luke ward and lorne michaels TWO people queried these terms. Does Luke have a secret identity?

blacklover for white wife I admit it. This was a search I performed myself.

rockefeller center jenga model wha?

i love british people american so do i you. so do i. you.

Lizzie Potter and the Chamber of Data Entry

I say, arriving each morning at my cubicle at Hogwarts* (*names have been changed to protect the author from being prematurely terminated) fills me with nothing but dread, utter dread I tell you. And with summer coming, no doubt I will be cajoled into joining the company Quidditch team which I dare say is an affair more painful even than combing through Hermione’s hair (doesn’t Diagon Alley sell Hot Oil Treatments?). Of course, there’s nothing I like more than pouring a few back at the Three Broomsticks after a tough game of Quidditch but that’s not the point. It’s about the company you keep while pouring those drinks back, and gentle readers, my coworkers may as well have come out of Slytherin because we are like oil and water. I giggle upon imagining what our mixing would be like. Hee hee! Not going to happen!

Especially challenging is the struggle that I engage in daily with Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named But Sits In The Cube Next To Me. If only there were a spell that could rid Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named of his passive aggression which makes me feel a touch hot and queasy on the inside. It’s as if I had swallowed a smidge of belladonna because after listening to all that, Harry no feel so good.

Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named But Sits in The Cube Next To Me is the reigning king of talking under his breath. It’s gotten to the point where I turn down my Gryffindor internet radio station when I know he’s about to hang up the phone just to see what derogatory thing he is going to say about They Who Have Just Been Conversed With. It’s pretty much guaranteed to happen after every single phone call too. After hanging up with our bank representative? “Ohhhh my GOD TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK that woman never shuts up”. Just hung up with his mother? “Jesus Christ I know I have to finish the siding on the house, shut up already”.

My personal favorite is when he hangs up with his girlfriend and says things like “This is why I’m never going to get married again, leave me alone you [insert any number of Spanish expletives and misogynistic epithets here]”. This is all contingent upon his not already hanging up on her, by the by. Normally, they just argue in Spanglish to the point where the hatred between them is palpable. And I know from palpable, I have an Invisibility Cloak, lest you forget. Now, I don’t know from grown ups and their dysfunctional relationships at this time because I’m only like 15 or 12 or whatever the hell age I am, but it’s invasive nonetheless and disrupts me from working on my Powerpoint presentations.

Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named But Sits In The Cube Next To Me has been in many fights on the phone, I look forward to each one because it really truly is more exciting than a game of Exploding Snap. I didn’t realize that grown up relationships were so noxious and detrimental to one’s own well being! My goodness. Do all grown ups yell unabashedly at their girlfriends to “never call me again if I’m such an awful person, why don’t you just get out of my life!” for all cube-mates and Quidditch team members to hear? He is a Muggle though, so maybe I don’t have to worry that I will spiral into such depths of unattractiveness.

Don’t get me wrong though, I do appreciate that I have a job at all. In this economy, I’m lucky not to be panhandling for change and half eaten knishes on Platform 9 and 3/4, but sometimes methinks it gets a little redonkulous. I can only imagine what it would be like to have a degree in the liberal arts. At least this wizard has a specialized vocation and doesn’t need a masters to make a decent salary!

Back Issues

From the editors at Burrito Aficionado: If it’s not a burrito you can fajitaboutit! Magazine, we proudly bring you Back Issues! the magazine for people with spinal problems. Missing your copy? Call us for a…wait for it….back issue of Back Issues!

Next week, our special maternity issue Baby Got Back. Big thanks to all who submitted answers to last week’s diagramless crossword, the winner is Amy R. from Brooklyn who correctly submitted the hidden phrase “I’ve got a hunch”.