Lizzie Potter and the Chamber of Data Entry

I say, arriving each morning at my cubicle at Hogwarts* (*names have been changed to protect the author from being prematurely terminated) fills me with nothing but dread, utter dread I tell you. And with summer coming, no doubt I will be cajoled into joining the company Quidditch team which I dare say is an affair more painful even than combing through Hermione’s hair (doesn’t Diagon Alley sell Hot Oil Treatments?). Of course, there’s nothing I like more than pouring a few back at the Three Broomsticks after a tough game of Quidditch but that’s not the point. It’s about the company you keep while pouring those drinks back, and gentle readers, my coworkers may as well have come out of Slytherin because we are like oil and water. I giggle upon imagining what our mixing would be like. Hee hee! Not going to happen!

Especially challenging is the struggle that I engage in daily with Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named But Sits In The Cube Next To Me. If only there were a spell that could rid Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named of his passive aggression which makes me feel a touch hot and queasy on the inside. It’s as if I had swallowed a smidge of belladonna because after listening to all that, Harry no feel so good.

Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named But Sits in The Cube Next To Me is the reigning king of talking under his breath. It’s gotten to the point where I turn down my Gryffindor internet radio station when I know he’s about to hang up the phone just to see what derogatory thing he is going to say about They Who Have Just Been Conversed With. It’s pretty much guaranteed to happen after every single phone call too. After hanging up with our bank representative? “Ohhhh my GOD TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK that woman never shuts up”. Just hung up with his mother? “Jesus Christ I know I have to finish the siding on the house, shut up already”.

My personal favorite is when he hangs up with his girlfriend and says things like “This is why I’m never going to get married again, leave me alone you [insert any number of Spanish expletives and misogynistic epithets here]”. This is all contingent upon his not already hanging up on her, by the by. Normally, they just argue in Spanglish to the point where the hatred between them is palpable. And I know from palpable, I have an Invisibility Cloak, lest you forget. Now, I don’t know from grown ups and their dysfunctional relationships at this time because I’m only like 15 or 12 or whatever the hell age I am, but it’s invasive nonetheless and disrupts me from working on my Powerpoint presentations.

Coworker Who Shall Not Be Named But Sits In The Cube Next To Me has been in many fights on the phone, I look forward to each one because it really truly is more exciting than a game of Exploding Snap. I didn’t realize that grown up relationships were so noxious and detrimental to one’s own well being! My goodness. Do all grown ups yell unabashedly at their girlfriends to “never call me again if I’m such an awful person, why don’t you just get out of my life!” for all cube-mates and Quidditch team members to hear? He is a Muggle though, so maybe I don’t have to worry that I will spiral into such depths of unattractiveness.

Don’t get me wrong though, I do appreciate that I have a job at all. In this economy, I’m lucky not to be panhandling for change and half eaten knishes on Platform 9 and 3/4, but sometimes methinks it gets a little redonkulous. I can only imagine what it would be like to have a degree in the liberal arts. At least this wizard has a specialized vocation and doesn’t need a masters to make a decent salary!

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