Archive for March 30th, 2005

The Pivot Report

I am prepared to answer a whole number of hypothetical questions that may arise in my life. I already have all my answers to James Lipton’s Inside the Actor’s Studio Bernard Pivot Questionnaire. You know the whole “Biggest Turn On” (“Summer days in the Berkshires” says Gwynnie Paltrow), “Least Favorite Word” (Hawkeye Pierce says “Vomit”), “What Sound do you Hate” (“Gossip” says Helen Hunt…please. Like she needs to worry about that. “blah blah big forehead…la la what happened with Azaria?”). That’s the Bernard Pivot Questionnaire. I want you to be informed while you are watching Bravo. And by the way, when I reach the pearly gates, I’d like God to say “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a higher metabolism”.

I also continually revise my responses to Jane Magazine’s “The Same Five Questions We Always Ask” and I dream of the day I’m interviewed for Gimme Shelter in the Village Voice.

Just in case they come up in conversation, I have stock answers to general human interest questions I’m sure my fans want to ask me but are too shy to. I’ll take Liz Potpourri for $200, Alex. What kind of superhero quality does Liz want? Well, if I were a superhero, the one quality I would like to have is the ability to be a fly on the wall whenever people are talking about me. Not a physical fly, I suppose, more of a human wire tap. It’s closer to a social super power for my own benefit and less of a good vs. evil, saving the metropolis kinda thing. Nonetheless it’s what I want.

This super power is very encompassing when it comes to being aware of everything that is said about me or done with me in mind. I’m not obsessed with myself, I am just curious about what everyone thinks of me, that’s all. I talk about a LOT of other people, so I am positive that I am the topic of a lot of people’s conversations. Tons. I’m just sure. That’s just how life is. You talk about me behind my back, I talk about you behind yours.
So like, when you tell your friends later today and are like “Liz is awesome” a bell will ring, an angel will get its wings and also I will feel a pang of satisfaction knowing I am being talked about.

I am only partly not kidding about this. I think about this superheroic trait a lot. It’s not that I want to know what people don’t like about me or anything, on the contrary, I would like to hear as many flattering things as possible. Because imitation certainly is not the best form of flattery. Being talked about is.