Archive for April, 2005

Gothamist

Myers, Mirman, Tisdale

The homos are coming! The homos are coming!

Lexington, Massachusetts father upset that gay parents are depicted in son’s school book.
“My kid ain’t learnin’ about no fags, that’s wicked retahded. Irregahdless of the fact that it’s legal foh deviants ta marry in ouah fine commonwealth, I still hahbah ill will towahd theyah lifestyle.” (Paraphrasing is mine)

Gothamisting over

Jess Allen and Best Week Ever!

Cheer Up, Charlie

I wonder ALL the time what it is going to be like to “Meet My Maker”. I’m serious. When I die, I imagine it will be a Willy Wonka-esque experience overseen by a man, hopefully who does not eat too many candy teacups, who punishes naughty children and other humans for their misdeeds. I, being the good child who made it through the entire factory tour which served as a delightful metaphor for life and humanity, will expect heaven in return for the sin-free existence I have led. WonkaGod, however, will prove me wrong by telling me that when I was in the Fizzy Lifting Room I drank too much Fizzy Lifting Drink and so here’s a handbasket for pleasant travels.

Why do I think this? Because I love stealing postage and making long distance, sometimes international, phone calls from work and taking advantage of everything I believe I am entitled to because technically I’m not hurting anyone. And I know that WonkaGod’s explanation is going to be that my tiny actions create a butterfly effect and hurt those around me and will affect the sense of right and wrong I have yet to instill in my unborn children, but really, all I see is a well deserved three hole punch that could really come in handy for making confetti someday. In case I have a New Year’s Eve party. It might happen.

I consider the fact that some of my coworkers blatantly abuse the system by taking excessive days off and expensing a sandwich from Quizno’s as a “working lunch”. Me? I am a sweet hardworker with grandparents who sleep four to a bed who just wants to have fun by metaphorically floating dangerously close to a fan and then passing gas to save myself. And for that, I feel like I’m going to pay when I go to that big everlasting gobstopper in the sky.

Play Gothamisty for me

Jews in Comedy? Who knew.

Anagrams? Acrostics? whatever

What are those things called where you take each letter from a word and make a poem out of them? Amy was asking me and I said anagram even though I know that’s not right. Anyway, I made up two just now because I’m very deep and poetic and also because Amy forced me to do them for her. Yes, I was bullied into doing her homework.
Let’s get together this afternoon at your place.
I said to my friend
Zooey. When I got there her

Brother Franny had just gotten out of the tub. He had a
Long day and needed to relax.
“Are you okay” I asked him.
Crying, he said, “yes, I just dont like having so many people in the bathroom”.
Kindly, I handed him a towel and left him to dry off.

And then Amy held me at verbal abuse-point and made me do one with her name.
“Are you going to eat those sesame sticks?” I asked
My hot friend Liz.
“Yes, that’s why I bought them. I’m hungry” she said.

Right then our friend Jeff arrived to tell us
He got a job.
“Oh wow” we said at the same time because sometimes we think the same thing simultaneously.
“Do you get paid for that” I asked. I was jealous,
Every time I am hungry or broke my friends always rub it in my face.
“Seven hundred dollars,” Jeff said, and then I made him take me to dinner.

Gothamist, First Post

Flight of the Conchords a.k.a. Flight of I’m in Love with Kiwis

Got Hydrogen Dioxide?

Boy is it ever warm! I love it. Weather like this makes me happy that iced coffee and margaritas exist. I love me some beverages that are cool and refreshing but secretly will dehydrate you! Which is why I have a giant bottle of water at my desk today, because I know I need to keep hydrated and in peak mental form for when I go see Spamalot tonight. Yay!

Uh Oh! Pun alert! I bet tonight I will have a lot of…Idle time on my hands! hahaha! You are cringing but you love me!!
Back to the real issue here. H2 the Izz-O. I don’t often read those free morning daily papers they hand out at the subway but everytime I do something awesome is in there that I need to share. Today in Free Unnamed Morning Daily that is not Metro there was an article about why you should drink water. Did you know that there is a campaign to get people to drink more water, “Why Water?”? It’s the more theoretical and less mustachioed version of “Got Milk?”. That’s fine and everything but I mean, if you’re alive chances are you’re drinking water right? Since, you know, you can’t survive without it.

The best part of the article in Unnamed Free Morning Daily that is not Metro is the part where the author suggested his own ways to drink more water in case ye are of the yellow pee pee. He points out that many people are not fond of water because it has no taste. Sounds like water and Star Jones have a lot in common (oh, to have a rimshot). Is this really a problem? I never knew people do not like water because it has no taste. The author suggests mixing one part water with two parts juice to handle this situation. This is an actual suggestion in this newspaper. It reminds me a lot of when I was six and wrote a cookbook…

Ingediants: Ten Marshamllos, 2 C. Suggar, One Candye bar. Mix in big bowl, bake at 450 dgreees 3 hours or till tootpick comes out cleen. Eatt.

I have perfected my recipe for Candy Surprise over the years, but I feel like Juice Water will be a little hard to improve. He also suggests using a Brita to make water taste better. If this guy can get paid for writing suggestions like this, maybe a hardcover version of “Elizabeth Ann’s Resipees that Tast gud” has a chance after all. Anyway.

shazbot!

Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork and Mindy was even BETTER than one would have hoped. I would post a list of highlights here, except that every scene and every, uh, interpretation? of an, um, impression? that the characters gave were so hilariously over the top that I wouldn’t do any of them justice.
My favorite moment from the “film” came when Mork was having Mai Tai’s with Robert Evans on the set of Popeye. Did I laugh for 10 minutes at that scene? You bet I did.

Haiku Reviews

The rain was a real deterrent for me to do anything outside my house this weekend, so I did the only productive thing a city-dwelling person with no plans can do. Watched all three of my Netflix movies, a DVD of Luke’s and a little Sex and the City (DVD Season Six, with commentary). So much to take in. My reviews and synopses are as follows, in order of what I watched.

Friday
Sex and the City: An American Girl in Paris (Part Une)
Carrie’s black and white
outfit is to die for, non?
Petrovsky sucks it.

Sex and the City: An American Girl in Paris (Part Deux)
It’s ok, Car, I
didn’t like Paris either.
“John”s a sucky name.

Saturday
Closer
What a filthy film!
Natalie Portman won a
Golden Globe for this?

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Head games are played on
New England college campus.
Everyone’s wasted.

It was at that point I realized the really bizarre coincidence that Netflix sent me Closer and Who’s Afraid in the same day and it probably looked like I was having a screening of a)Mike Nichols’ films, b)films adapted from the Broadway stage or c)films about 2 really messed up, unfathful couples. But really there was NO rhyme or reason for any of it but maybe I am subconsciously brilliant for ordering them. That’s what I’m going with. Back to the reviews.

Road Trip (on TBS)
Better than one would
expect. So that’s where the guy
on Joey came from .

The Apartment
Suicide attempt,
getting screwed by your boss. It’s
a comedy, folks.

If a haiku could have 21 syllables I would also mention “I hated it”. SORRY!

Sunday
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
Exit light, enter
Therapist and Rehab. Lars
sells paintings and yells