Archive for April, 2005
Lexington, Massachusetts father upset that gay parents are depicted in son’s school book.
“My kid ain’t learnin’ about no fags, that’s wicked retahded. Irregahdless of the fact that it’s legal foh deviants ta marry in ouah fine commonwealth, I still hahbah ill will towahd theyah lifestyle.” (Paraphrasing is mine)
I wonder ALL the time what it is going to be like to “Meet My Maker”. I’m serious. When I die, I imagine it will be a Willy Wonka-esque experience overseen by a man, hopefully who does not eat too many candy teacups, who punishes naughty children and other humans for their misdeeds. I, being the good child who made it through the entire factory tour which served as a delightful metaphor for life and humanity, will expect heaven in return for the sin-free existence I have led. WonkaGod, however, will prove me wrong by telling me that when I was in the Fizzy Lifting Room I drank too much Fizzy Lifting Drink and so here’s a handbasket for pleasant travels.
Why do I think this? Because I love stealing postage and making long distance, sometimes international, phone calls from work and taking advantage of everything I believe I am entitled to because technically I’m not hurting anyone. And I know that WonkaGod’s explanation is going to be that my tiny actions create a butterfly effect and hurt those around me and will affect the sense of right and wrong I have yet to instill in my unborn children, but really, all I see is a well deserved three hole punch that could really come in handy for making confetti someday. In case I have a New Year’s Eve party. It might happen.
I consider the fact that some of my coworkers blatantly abuse the system by taking excessive days off and expensing a sandwich from Quizno’s as a “working lunch”. Me? I am a sweet hardworker with grandparents who sleep four to a bed who just wants to have fun by metaphorically floating dangerously close to a fan and then passing gas to save myself. And for that, I feel like I’m going to pay when I go to that big everlasting gobstopper in the sky.
What are those things called where you take each letter from a word and make a poem out of them? Amy was asking me and I said anagram even though I know that’s not right. Anyway, I made up two just now because I’m very deep and poetic and also because Amy forced me to do them for her. Yes, I was bullied into doing her homework.
Let’s get together this afternoon at your place.
I said to my friend
Zooey. When I got there her
Brother Franny had just gotten out of the tub. He had a
Long day and needed to relax.
“Are you okay” I asked him.
Crying, he said, “yes, I just dont like having so many people in the bathroom”.
Kindly, I handed him a towel and left him to dry off.
And then Amy held me at verbal abuse-point and made me do one with her name.
“Are you going to eat those sesame sticks?” I asked
My hot friend Liz.
“Yes, that’s why I bought them. I’m hungry” she said.
Right then our friend Jeff arrived to tell us
He got a job.
“Oh wow” we said at the same time because sometimes we think the same thing simultaneously.
“Do you get paid for that” I asked. I was jealous,
Every time I am hungry or broke my friends always rub it in my face.
“Seven hundred dollars,” Jeff said, and then I made him take me to dinner.
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