Archive for September, 2005

Sympathy for the Diablo

Here is my headline that would appear in the fictional Nueva York Post cuando those bastions of Rock y Roll finalmente call it quits:

“Los Rolling Stones Gather No Mas”

Crash: A Haiku

I saw the Paul “It’s what’s for dinner in Scotland” Haggis film “Crash” last night. I GET its message but I didn’t like the whole rest of it. IN-TENSE! By the end, EVERYONE was racist and the bad guys learned a lesson and no one was happy. Probably least happy of all was Sandra Bullock’s Hispanic maid Maria who was berated by Sandy throughout the film. But then, upon Sandy’s life changing fall down a half flight of stairs and subsequent realization that her friends all suck, Sandy says “Maria, you’re the best friend I’ve got” (which I totally called her saying that) as if that should make Maria feel any better about getting paid to be a human scrubbing bubble inside this Brentwood house.
Thus, Crash the Haiku:

Many cars crashed, man-
y racists and one invis-
ibility cloak

New Jersey Hata Gothamist

Pitchforks!

Br’aff: v. – to compile a soundtrack of maudlin songs that are instantly relatable to anyone going through a life crisis

I love Scrubs.
I like Garden State.
I like music and I like men with pillowy lips. Well ok, I don’t personally know any men with lips like bed shams but I’m not opposed to knowing them either, I bet they would be good kissers.
But Zach Braff has got to stop. Are you listening, Zach Braff?
STOP!
Mandy Moore, tell your boyfriend Zach Braff to STOP.
Zach has taken to making mix tapes for his best friend named AMERICA and slowly dubbing the songs week by week on national TV. And that’s great and all but I do not watch TV to be reminded that Zach Braff is the musical equivalent of Carrie Bradshaw, making songs that are the musical equivalent of palazzo pants fashionable just because you call it “fabulous”. Sure, put new music out there. Yes. Maybe the Shins DO deserve a wider audience. But sometimes, itsa too mucha!
…’Cause you just know it’s Zach who is responsible for putting songs like Toad the Wet Sprocket’s “Windmills” on Scrubs. He did not discover this song! I am annoyed with you, Zach Braff. This is a song I would prefer not to hear. It reminds me of teen angst and of when I would fast forward my oft played copy of 1994’s “Dulcinea” to track 7 whenever I wanted a good cry because I had no boyfriend and wasn’t taking enough AP classes to get into an extremely competitive liberal arts college in Maine. Not any one college in particular, only ALL of them, Zach Braff.

Look what you’re making me do Zach Braff!

This episode aired like, weeks ago and I am still worked up! I am letting my emotions do the talking, because high school works me up! When I think about how I wore shorts and tights in the winter and no one stopped me I get angry! I wore a bubble wand around my neck! WHY? Dammit Zach Braff, ANSWER ME! While we are at it, you know what? I think it is ridiculous that your girlfriend Mandy Moore’s t-shirt line costs like $55. Am I made out of money? No. Am I made of memories that I can’t shake and a resentment for people who can afford $55 t-shirts? Lil’ bit, Zach Braff, lil’ bit.

A Raisin in the Gothamist

Raisin!

Return of If I worked for the NY Post, sort of.

It’s been too long since I have made up punny headlines but in that long hiatus I realized that many of my punny headlines can also be used as punny fictionalized sitcom titles as well. I realized this as a result of the Channel 102 craze that is sweeping across Digital Video Camera Owning New York. It seems that no one in my circle of friends and enemies can have a conversation without saying “I’m going to write that idea into a 102” or “I should probably do a 102 but I just haven’t decided what to write yet" or “Why has no one asked me to be in a 102 yet?”. Ergo, in the vein of past If I worked at the NY Post entries, I bring you “If I were a pitching a punny titled sitcom”.

Lift and Separate – British elevator operator is recently divorced and seeks love before her doors close.

The Sweet Smell of 6 S – Everyone in the Overlook Apartments knows something is cooking on the sixth floor. Why it’s a young Betty Crocker! This 50s throwback follows the life and times of a young girl who dreams of nothing more than creating the perfect pie and finding the perfect man.

Open Mike – Stand up comic preferably named Mike deals with work, love and that trivial pursuit known as life.

Red Zinger – Stand up comic from Cold War Russia deals with work, love and that trivial pursuit known as life.
Raindrops Keep Fallin’on Mahed – Indian man gets downsized from his job in Calcutta, relocates to Seattle.

Too Many Cooks Spoil Deb Roth – Young Debra Roth is orphaned. She gets taken in and subsequently overloved in wacky hourlong drama set at Culinary Institute of America.

Boo, Lagoon. Or, The Atkins Must Diet!

I have failed as a pop culture lover. The only thing I am proud of, and I have failed. Yesterday there was not one but two references in my life to Christopher Atkins and I had to look him up because I didn’t know who he was. Me. Liz. Black. The girl who can sing the theme song to Today’s Special and who on a regular basis acts out the Lets Get Together Yeah Yeah Yeah song from the Parent Trap and who knows the names of both of Jennifer Connolly’s children did not know who this actor was. I am ashamed. I shall burrow into a hole and never come out. As long as I can still get my copies of Lucky and US Weekly delivered to that hole.

So. Atkins. I glossed over his name in the book I mentioned yesterday, Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants, and was like, oh, just some 80’s actor I guess. And then he was mentioned last night on Gilmore Girls too and it was then that I became frantic. Why were so many pop culture references being made to this guy!? And why dont I GET THEM!? An emergency call to my shrink and a cup of Sleepytime later and I was calm but there was research to be done.

Ahhhhhh HA! IMDB I owe my entire well being and most links in this blog to you. Christopher Atkins. Resident of the Blue Lagoon, population 2. I guess when the other resident is Brooke Shields, however, your audience may get distracted and you might be relegated to “guy on island with Brooke Shields”. By the way, get ready for the first of many asides, I know why Brooke was cast. Forget all this hooey that the cast of Lost really DOESN’T SHOWER and THEY ARE SMELLY and it really does feel like the ARE DESERTED. Ha. I defy anyone to be on an island for months and have eyebrows as defined as Evangeline Lilly. Brooke Shields on the other hand, I can understand. If I’m judging people by realistic time spent on an island, hers are the brows I buy.

Aside numero dos: Did you know there were at least FOUR Blue Lagoon movies made? Of course I was only 3 when the Shields/Atkins version came out so I didn’t really care, I’m from the Milla Jovovich/Brian Krause Lagoon Generation, if I can say that without sounding too, well, retarded. Were any of these necessary? Of course maybe I’m just bitter because there has only been ONE film version of Island of the Blue Dolphins made. The world is unjust and it will be one of my life goals to bring Karana and her cormorant feather filled plight to the screen again, mark my words.

Aside trois: I heart IMDB commenters! One time in high school I had to write a story that included 10 of that weeks vocabulary words. I wrote a story about the Brady Bunch because why would I actually do anything in high school that would make me look cool? The story was made ridiculous by lines like “Jan looked reticent as she heard the cacophony of her siblings feet running down the stairs”. Well, that is what this IMDB review is like, only a thousand times better:

the film’s main appeal was in its edenic milieu, its charged moments of wonder and terror, and brooke shields’ extraordinary beauty and gamine charm…kleiser interposes the stereopticon pictures of the staid victorian couple with similar scenes of em and dick to highlight this point…

For real?

For real.

Back to Christopher Atkins and how I am furious with myself for not knowing who he is, this guy has been in 48 movies (ok so Red Shoe Diaries 13 may not be in my Netflix queue but still. The guy’s workin’!) and even made an appearance on MTV’s 70’s House. I don’t know when or where he slipped under my radar but Chris, I’m glad you’re blipping along on it now.