Br’aff: v. – to compile a soundtrack of maudlin songs that are instantly relatable to anyone going through a life crisis

I love Scrubs.
I like Garden State.
I like music and I like men with pillowy lips. Well ok, I don’t personally know any men with lips like bed shams but I’m not opposed to knowing them either, I bet they would be good kissers.
But Zach Braff has got to stop. Are you listening, Zach Braff?
STOP!
Mandy Moore, tell your boyfriend Zach Braff to STOP.
Zach has taken to making mix tapes for his best friend named AMERICA and slowly dubbing the songs week by week on national TV. And that’s great and all but I do not watch TV to be reminded that Zach Braff is the musical equivalent of Carrie Bradshaw, making songs that are the musical equivalent of palazzo pants fashionable just because you call it “fabulous”. Sure, put new music out there. Yes. Maybe the Shins DO deserve a wider audience. But sometimes, itsa too mucha!
…’Cause you just know it’s Zach who is responsible for putting songs like Toad the Wet Sprocket’s “Windmills” on Scrubs. He did not discover this song! I am annoyed with you, Zach Braff. This is a song I would prefer not to hear. It reminds me of teen angst and of when I would fast forward my oft played copy of 1994’s “Dulcinea” to track 7 whenever I wanted a good cry because I had no boyfriend and wasn’t taking enough AP classes to get into an extremely competitive liberal arts college in Maine. Not any one college in particular, only ALL of them, Zach Braff.

Look what you’re making me do Zach Braff!

This episode aired like, weeks ago and I am still worked up! I am letting my emotions do the talking, because high school works me up! When I think about how I wore shorts and tights in the winter and no one stopped me I get angry! I wore a bubble wand around my neck! WHY? Dammit Zach Braff, ANSWER ME! While we are at it, you know what? I think it is ridiculous that your girlfriend Mandy Moore’s t-shirt line costs like $55. Am I made out of money? No. Am I made of memories that I can’t shake and a resentment for people who can afford $55 t-shirts? Lil’ bit, Zach Braff, lil’ bit.

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