Archive for November, 2005

I’m going to poop my Worldwide Pants

Due to a freak accident, fate, a well-placed birthday and some “connections” I get to go to a taping of David Letterman tomorrow. Which is cool.

Hey friends from high school, remember how one summer we saw a full gallon of milk lying on the ground in a parking lot and ran it over with Becky’s car and it exploded in a lactic tidal wave because Dave did it on that Primetime Special that Becky used to make us watch over and over? Ok, so that probably was one of the funniest things we ever did ever. BUT listen! Tomorrow. Letterman. That’s cool and all but do you all know who the guest on Letterman is tomorrow?
No?
Oh right, IT’S OPRAH.
She of the Angel Network, the Book Club, the Favorite Things! I feel a little like the Amy Poehler character in the Oprah SNL sketch whose head exploded:
Head Explosion

GothaMystical Frisco Burritos

Today’s show listings

Dysfunctional Gothamist

Family Style

I will return after these messages.

A good blog requires time, love and tenderness. Bear with me while I do some remodeling. Addendum: I have no idea what I’m doing!!

Just to clarify (and to avoid a new entry devoted to this boring subject) here’s what happened with the old blog…I tried to get an RSS feed, which is apparently really complicated on my old server Geeklog, and I think maybe my feeble blogtarded hands hit a wrong button and I messed things up a wee bit. In making the fed-up switch over to WordPress, I have temporarily lost (until we figure out how to recover/cut/paste/retype) my old entries. Except for this one below which Luke somehow recovered. I don’t know. So enjoy a really old attempt at puns and in the meantime, here are some new names I came up with this weekend, on the off chance I decide to open a store devoted to custard.

Brulee Vous Couche Avec Moi Ce Soir?
Custard’s Last Stand
Pudding on the Ritz
If You’ve Got It, Flan It

Miscellaneous Gothamist

Clowning

This just in: Giant Flesh Eating Velociraptor Reincarnated into Vaseline

My eyelids have been so dry lately I have been doing anything and everything to make them return to their pre-26 year old form. I don’t know the cause for the dryness, all I know is I am aging fast because Heckle and Jekyll are opening a shoe store on my face. (Crows Feet, guys. Crows Feet.)

So I took some drastic measures this weekend and I’m slapping on any kind of emollient with moisturizing, soothing abilities that did not warn me of avoidance with the eye area, including that old anti-baby-butt-chapper, Vaseline. I worried that maybe Vaseline wouldn’y do the trick since it’s not known for its Pro-Retinol, Q10, firming, fountain of youthifying properties, so I did what anyone who is worried about unintentionally blinding themselves would do. Ye Olde Google Search.

I found a website that was right up my alley called The Frugal Face, with tips about cheap ways to care for yourself without spending a Frugal Arm or a Frugal Leg. It started with the Frugal Author touting things like hydrogen peroxide as toner and diluted baby shampoo as a cleanser. Interesting. She then shuns all department store brands of makeup calling them more harmful than drug store brands. Hm. Harmful to the wallet perhaps, but I don’t think La Mer Eye Balm is $300 an ounce for NO reason. I doubt Vaseline is JUST as good, like she says, but at least my worries are quelled because I haven’t gone blind yet and she seems to think it’s ok to apply the petrolatum liberally. But this Frugal Frida here was starting to sound a little too Frugal, to the point where I was wondering what else she might be scrimping on. Higher education? Common sense? I just don’t know at this point if we, me and Frugal Fannie, can go on together, me with my suspicious mind and all. My fears were realized though when I read “Some women have an aversion to using petroleum products because they don’t consider them “natural”…Petroleum comes out of the ground from dead dinosaurs. What could be more natural and organic than that?”

All of a sudden I felt like I was taking advice from the lovechild of Miss DiPesto and the lady who plays stupid people all the time but was most recently on Everybody Loves Raymond playing someone stupid’s stupid mom. So, I decided a run to Kiehl’s to shell out for some Abyssine Serum was in order. Small price to pay for a temporary cure to the old Pterodactyl Eye, you know, when you psychosomatically think your corneas are burning and falling off.

My Wish List is Slightly Less Amazonian

To all of you who are keeping track of my wishlist, I’ll have you know that one item has been purchased!! So come all ye gift givers, get on the bandwagon like that first person did and buy me stuff. (In the spirit of full disclosure, um, I am the first purchaser of said present because I’ve been really well behaved this week, HOWEVER, the fact is I still got the ball rolling and it just might behoove our friendship if you joined in the spirit of giving.)

I would really like to thank myself for buying myself Nada Surf’s Let Go and I think myself really knows myself well to know that I wanted this. Do not judge me, I have told you all a million times I am 3 years behind the cool kid times, so this is right on schedule.

Also, I don’t mean to harp on the wishlist, it’s just that its been a good week and I have little to complain about so greed is my default setting when “complaint” mode is shut off. You might want to print this page out, those of you who would someday like to reference the time I said “I have nothing to complain about” and use that as proof that I was once happy. For if there is one certain thing in this world it is that I will surely complain again. And if there are two things, there’s that and also, Oprah should be like, president.