This just in: Giant Flesh Eating Velociraptor Reincarnated into Vaseline

My eyelids have been so dry lately I have been doing anything and everything to make them return to their pre-26 year old form. I don’t know the cause for the dryness, all I know is I am aging fast because Heckle and Jekyll are opening a shoe store on my face. (Crows Feet, guys. Crows Feet.)

So I took some drastic measures this weekend and I’m slapping on any kind of emollient with moisturizing, soothing abilities that did not warn me of avoidance with the eye area, including that old anti-baby-butt-chapper, Vaseline. I worried that maybe Vaseline wouldn’y do the trick since it’s not known for its Pro-Retinol, Q10, firming, fountain of youthifying properties, so I did what anyone who is worried about unintentionally blinding themselves would do. Ye Olde Google Search.

I found a website that was right up my alley called The Frugal Face, with tips about cheap ways to care for yourself without spending a Frugal Arm or a Frugal Leg. It started with the Frugal Author touting things like hydrogen peroxide as toner and diluted baby shampoo as a cleanser. Interesting. She then shuns all department store brands of makeup calling them more harmful than drug store brands. Hm. Harmful to the wallet perhaps, but I don’t think La Mer Eye Balm is $300 an ounce for NO reason. I doubt Vaseline is JUST as good, like she says, but at least my worries are quelled because I haven’t gone blind yet and she seems to think it’s ok to apply the petrolatum liberally. But this Frugal Frida here was starting to sound a little too Frugal, to the point where I was wondering what else she might be scrimping on. Higher education? Common sense? I just don’t know at this point if we, me and Frugal Fannie, can go on together, me with my suspicious mind and all. My fears were realized though when I read “Some women have an aversion to using petroleum products because they don’t consider them “natural”…Petroleum comes out of the ground from dead dinosaurs. What could be more natural and organic than that?”

All of a sudden I felt like I was taking advice from the lovechild of Miss DiPesto and the lady who plays stupid people all the time but was most recently on Everybody Loves Raymond playing someone stupid’s stupid mom. So, I decided a run to Kiehl’s to shell out for some Abyssine Serum was in order. Small price to pay for a temporary cure to the old Pterodactyl Eye, you know, when you psychosomatically think your corneas are burning and falling off.

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