All I wanna do is Zuma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom

I like catching up on my world news. But I also love a catchy headline as much as the next In-Touch addict does. If only there was a way to combine the two into an article that makes no sense.

Zuma: Not using condom was mistake

Let’s discuss. As readers obsessed with scandal we wanna know the particulars, no? Who is this Zuma fellow and more importantly, who are his bedfellows? Let’s find out! But since it’s CNN, I bet finding out will require a decoder ring and an ability to speak twin language.

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) — South Africa’s former Deputy President Jacob Zuma apologized on Tuesday for having unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman and said he was resuming his duties at the ruling ANC party after his acquittal on rape charges.

So like, “I’m sorry I forced myself on you, but I’m even sorrier I did it and didn’t know you had a disease but it’s totes cool, cuz I still have my job. As deputy president. Of a nation. Even though I probably raped you. But still. I shoulda used a condom. Hey kids, do as I say, not as I rape!”

“I apologize. I have no doubt about it and it (was) a mistake. The war against AIDS — I will stand for it and I will continue to preach, even using myself as an example. We need to fight HIV and AIDS because it is a dangerous thing,” he told the SABC public broadcaster.

So like, when you are the second most powerful person in a country, don’t regret the rape you probably commit. Wear a condom and relaaaax, like Frankie say.

“The question of when I am going to resume (duties as deputy president of the African National Congress) … I took a decision (to suspend myself) for the duration of the case and the case is over. Therefore I am back,” Zuma added.

So like, I still have my job even though I probably raped someone, but don’t worry, I made that decision and I am a good judge of things related to what’s good for people. Remember, I’m the guy who probably raped an HIV-positive woman without wearing a condom.

South African High Court Judge Willem van der Merwe on Monday acquitted Zuma of raping an HIV-positive family friend, ending a case that opened deep rifts in the ANC. The verdict saved the man once seen as the country’s next president from political oblivion, but analysts said he has been badly wounded by a sensational court case that revolved on whether the sex was consensual.

But like, it’s way ok ’cause she was a family friend. Don’t mattah if it she said yes, we’re friends! I’m sure she totally wanted to give you HIV when you probably raped her without a condom.

The judge slammed as “unacceptable” the fact that Zuma had sexual intercourse with the woman when, as deputy president, he had led South Africa’s anti-AIDS efforts.

So like, wait. The judge let him off but wasn’t happy about it? Is that what I’m taking away from this? Hey, did this Zuma character know the woman had HIV? Does HE have HIV? Can we get some relevant facts here? CNN? No? Not really? Oh, one? Ok, one.

South Africa has the biggest HIV caseload in the world, with nearly 5 million people infected.

Thanks. But this still leaves a lot to be desired.

Zuma, an ethnic Zulu, was hit with the rape charge following a separate graft scandal last year which prompted Mbeki to sack him as the country’s second-highest official. He faces trial on the corruption case in July.

So like, wait again, what’s an Mbeki? CNN, what’s going on? And also, for a guy facing so much scandal and maybe infectious disease and also being a probable rapist, how can he look so footloose and fancy-free?
Jacob Zuma with his daughter, Duduzile Zuma, after being found not guilty of rape on Monday. Which is apparently hilarious!

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