I’m addicted to a train wreck called Top Chef

This post will have little meaning for all the smart people in the world who have taste…The people in the world who have better things to do than watch bad reality shows…Specifically, the people who have opted not to watch the one show on television with, count ’em, zero, redeeming qualities, Top Chef. But since I am currently having a mid-life crisis about whether I want to be a writer or not and apparently you are supposed to write if you’re a writer, I’m going to take this opportunity to numb your minds with crap in the form of a commentary on the most boring show on TV, and that includes Sunrise Earth, the show where you watch a slow, majestic sunrise in real time, with no commentary, just the pristine arrival of the soft solar glow to our hemisphere with no talking or humans, just nature and light. Top Chef is more boring than staring at the sun, people!

So I posted some months ago about the premiere of this program and gave it two Le Creuset Pot Holder Thumbs waaaaay down. I said all I had to say about host with the least, Katie Lee Joel and the lackluster contestants who are dismissed one by one with an unceremonious and monotonous “Pack your knives and go”. There was not one contestant that I enjoyed watching and rooting for, nor was there one that I wanted to stab with a Santoku knife, so as a reality show it failed. Hard. Isn’t the thing with reality shows that they touch on the most basic components of humanity? Survival of the fittest, interaction with others, showmance, murder? This one was just survival of the least embarrassing, which, if Darwin experienced eighth grade in a public school, he would probably know something about.

To digress for a moment, the best thing about posting something about Katie Lee Joel is that when I check the admin pages of my site, I come across search terms like “katie lee joel nude” and “katie lee joel hate”, which is par for the course because I still get hits based on the phrase “ann curry nude” and “mayim bialik nude” based on old posts. Seeing search words with the “-nude” suffix has become like a visit from an old friend. The day I stop getting nudie hits is the day the internet has stopped doing it’s job, I say.

I stopped watching this show a few episodes into the season, but in my equation for living that means little:

Sedentary lifestyle + weekend marathons of shows you don’t care about = time that could have been spent outdoors or with loved ones, but instead was spent turning ever more pale and translucent by the hour, alone.

After getting myself caught up with every last moment of jackassery in the kitchen, I watched the reunion episode where the contestants who previously packed their knives and went returned to get drunk, prove my theories that they were gay by exhibiting a new pair of drag-queeny eyebrows, and cry…without the aid of onions, thankyouverymuch. Aside from a non-fight that had to be “stopped” when chef-judge Tom Colicchio proactively stood up and Katie Lee Bland said “dont. stop.”, there was very little to care about. And yet…the show continutes to creep into my life.

Yesterday I was reading the article that is taking the Better Borough by storm, the Observer thing about the divide between North and South Brooklyn. The argument between the “illiterate hipsters” and the “snobby yuppies” paralleled the fight between Candace the Idiot and Stephen the Sommalier, where he told her she would fail because she was uneducated and she told him he would fail simply because he was a d-bag. Class rifts and egotism can’t be escaped and I think I am throroughly correct in comparing the two incidents if for no other reason than to point out they are both hilariously retarded. (Incidentally, while I live in the Snobby-Yuppie-ville section of Brooklyn, I also don’t read, so I think I hit a happy-Brooklyn-medium where I just metaphorically ride the G train of life.)

I don’t know why I care about Top Chef, but for some reason I do. Maybe the show is actually perfect because it represents all that is wrong with the world. Maybe my devotion to food reaches beyond those who are cooking it. Or maybe I am just that bored. If I had more Le Creuset Pot Holder thumbs to put down I would but then, if I keep wearing these pot holders, how on earth will I be able to hit the record button on my remote control?

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