Fever For the Flavor of the FIFA

World Cup Fever is everywhere and the only proper antidote is beer and group chanting. Even in the tiny hamlet of Brooklyn, or should I say, especially in the tiny hamlet of Brooklyn, since every bar in the Heights and the Gardens has chalkboard signs proclaiming that they are showing the games and oddly enough, a lot of people are in there. I thought Americans were supposed to hate soccer! We are brought up playing it on teams like (true story) The Goalbusters and The Magicians and even in high school and college, it’s still the sport that rules. Especially if you went to college at a small New England liberal arts school, you could major in dating soccer players with a minor in hooking up with the lacrosse team. But then, the only person who ever did anything with that degree was Posh Spice Victoria Beckham, and she was just an exchange student.


When university education comes to a close though,things change. Like a capella music, soccer is hardly the draw it once was. In the post-college world, people will laugh at you if you say you want to go see the Metrostars play, like, “Really? Why?” So I’m surprised that this many Americans are this excited. But then, I notice these things more this time around because I am now a casualty of the World Cup. I am a World Cup widow.

My companion (when I don’t say what kind of companion he is, it makes him sound like my dog or gay lover, doesn’t it?) is a soccer fanatic. Not quite a hooligan but fanatical enough to have it rub off on me to the point where I actually have a favorite Premier League manager (Jose Mourinho, but only because he’s a sharp dresser) and have been drunk by 12pm on game days. Of course I’m a fanatic about certain things myself, so when the mid-afternoon-drunkies happen, I too become violently emphatic, but only about going to bed by 9pm. As a result of all this, every day until July 9 I have been warned that, while it’s nothing personal, he has a new companion. A lover who, for ninety minutes a pop with occasional stoppage time, will be 100% vice, providing him with everything I can’t. This lover will not tell him to stop eating mac and cheese for every meal. This lover will not ask him to cut down on smoking. This lover will make ice cream sundaes with crack on top him if he wanted it and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t resent my companion at all, I don’t like being in the minority and if I resented him, roughly 4.5 billion people would wonder what my problem is. Even a war criminal would think I was a jackass. But since he is too busy watching, he won’t mind if I keep myself busy with some headlines (which Stan deserves some credit for as well).

U.S. loses 3-1 against the Czech Republic today. Czech-mate

African team loses 2-0 in Italian upset…Ghana Witha the Winda

Australia beats Japan 3-1 today but there are still plenty of Group F games left so Don’t Get Japanties in a Bunch

Mexico leaves Iran in the dust after winning 3-1. Mexico’s Close But Iran, Iran So Far Away

Portugal defeats a sluggish Angola 1-0 Obtuse Angola

Argentina defeats Ivory Coast 2-1 in Group C first round. These Ivories Are Untickled

Swedes and Trinidad and Tobagans Get into Art School Because They Draw.

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