Since my life has no direction, my autobiography doesn’t have a cohesive plot. I have a lot, I mean LOT of interests and I can’t pick which one is really the one I am destined to master and become really rich, famous and then infamous for. So that’s why the title of my autobiography changes daily, based on that day’s current fascination or adventure I imagine I may undertake. Hence, all the titles that you may see in the bargain bin at Waldenbooks in 20 years.
The story that chronicles my fascination with New York Times Crossword puzzles, starting with my childhood appreciation for languages and culminating in a restraining order taken out against me by Will Shortz:
Smart on Monday, Dumb on Saturday
The story that chronicles my fascination with my Scottish heritage, starting with a childhood appreciation for geneology and an exchange student program on a remote Scottish island where I work as a housekeeper on a sprawling estate, only to find out I am not in fact Scottish. Culminates in deportation and banishment from all archipelago’s off the British coast.
Always Hebrides’ Maid, Never Hebrides
The story that chronicles a lifetime of gastrointestinal distress, starting with a childhood of stomach sensitivity that led to awkward social situations, culminating with the ability to silently but violently disperse gas on command at college parties, becoming a campus hero.
My Fart is Deceitful Above All Things
The story that chronicles a lifetime of food aversions starting with a childhood hatred of raw tomatoes, onions, and Andes’ Candies, culminating in a look at prison from the inside due to incarceration after shooting a boyfriend who wanted me to try meatloaf.
I Would Chew Anything for Love, But I Won’t Chew That
The story that chronicles my Innerspace-like adventures after I get shrunken down to the size of half a Skittle, am accidentally injected into the auditory canal of a Mexican farm worker who, while on the job, sneezes, launching me into the body of Margarita, a feisty heifer, culminating in an adventure that I know I’ll never forget.
In Juan’s Ear and Out the Udder
Liz Black is an author whose (mis)adventures have taken her across the globe. She lives in New York City with her cats, Angela Bower and Tony Micelli, but never fails to let them know she’s the boss.