This will spoil The Descent for you. I am warning you now.

My Companion-of-All-Trades and I have been busy doing all sorts of air conditioned things, like watching the Food Network (Hooray, Feasting on Asphalt! Boo, Semi-Half Assed with Sandra Lee (featuring her Semi-Homemade Boobies)) and watching Jeopardy! (Hooray, College Tournament! Boo, portion of the show where really bad personal anecdotes are told about your visit to the Great Wall of China. What is: I don’t know how to tell a story?). We also went out yesterday so we could be productive members of society and saw The Descent, the movie where six female friends vacation together and all end up on the same cycle. DEATH cycle, that is!

So here’s the rundown of (really) the scariest movie I’ve seen this summer, The Descent, a.k.a. Pirates of the Carabiner.
First there’s “Sissy Spacek-in-Carrie”, our protagonist, Sarah.
descentcarrie

Sarah’s had it rough, and as such, she is the one we are rooting for since she is depressed and on meds and finds solace in doing extreme climbing in the Appalachians.

We are most definitely not rooting for Filipino Lucy Liu, a.k.a. antagonist Juno whose morals are questionable and who does not always put safety first.

junolucy

Then there are the incidentals, you know, the people who are definitely gonna die. Like… sisters Rebecca and Sam who are seen here in the newest Calvin Klein ad for “Spelunk” parfum.

sisters

Between blood and stalagmites lies….Spelunk. They are a helpful duo, Rebecca being a pro-climber, Sam being pre-med, neither of them fated to do anything useful with those skills cause they’re gonna get eaten.

And two others who don’t have any pictures online but one of them is a very butchy Sporty Spice type named Holly who likes taking risks and the other is Beth, a British voice of all things reasonable. Imagine Hugh Grant’s sensible female friend in like, every film he’s ever been in and that’s her. Only she dies here.

It’s a horror movie! People die! You know this! I warned you!

I was so anxious during the film that I actually stopped eating popcorn for like five minutes. No food in Liz’s hand =s-c-a-r-e-d. Even without any blood and death, the first third of the film built up tension perfectly. I know I’ll never go hiking or climbing again!*

While a lot has been made of the original or “British” ending which was released in the UK and how it’s superior to the US version, I have to say after seeing both (thank you, You Tube!) that they are both creepily satisfying.

Finally, I have to give some credit where it’s due. Court Street Cinema in Brooklyn, kudos to you for allowing parents to bring their 4-year-olds to this film. If they don’t learn about blood-filled, claustrophobic deaths now, when will they?

Haiku Review of The Descent
You and your best pals
wouldn’t get killed if you stayed
in and watched TV.

*I never have.

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