Archive for January, 2007

If I Pitched Sitcoms to the New York Post Returns!

I try to come up with these punny sitcoms on a daily basis and sometimes I’ll think of one and decide one is not enough for a blockbuster blog post – you know, the kind I’m internationally known to write – and after all, my fans deserve a full throttle, best foot forward attempt from me. So here it is, my best foot forward.

Nero and Farrow – Film star Mia Farrow goes back in time, only to meet and fall in love with Roman emperor Nero. Together, they adopt 12 children and hold Gladiator events each week, pitting child against child in a survival of the fittest.

One Nation, Underdog – A reality show in which a black, handicapped, Jewish lesbian runs for President of the United States.

Yo, Keira Taco Bell! – British screen siren Kiera Knightley has had it up to here with the BIZ. When she falls in love with the heir to the Taco Bell empire, Julio Taco Bell, she gives up a life of glamour to make chalupas at one of the franchise’s downtown LA outlets and hilarity…and sometimes life lessons…ensue.

Don’t Get Your Panties in a Bundchen – Victoria’s Secret model Gisele Bundchen (and Tom Brady arm candy) hosts a Punk’d-like prank show where she finds annoying ways to irritate her model friends on camera. Once they have had it up to here, she jumps out from behind a giant cardboard cut out thong and yells “Relax! Don’ Get You Pannies ehn a Bundchen!” Series pulled after Naomi Campbell sees all shades of red and hits Gisele in the head with a Swarovski crystal encrusted phone.

The Godfather of Seoul – The Korean mafia is still up to it’s crazy antics, thanks to its man in charge. The current godfather of organized crime is a man with a passion for living outside the law, a love for his family and a lust for kimchi. On FX midseason.

Though he hates gays, his fetish is feet in mouths

Grey’s Anatomy star in rehab…Homophobe Rehab.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) — Isaiah Washington, who does the healing as a doctor on “Grey’s Anatomy,” is the patient now.

He’s in therapy for his use of an anti-gay slur against a castmate.

“With the support of my family and friends, I have begun counseling. I regard this as a necessary step toward understanding why I did what I did and making sure it never happens again,” Washington said in a statement Wednesday. “I appreciate the fact that I have been given this opportunity and I remain committed to transforming my negative actions into positive results, personally and professionally.”

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Dear Diary,
Diary sounds so formal. Do you mind if I call you Jake?
Anyway, it’s me, Isaiah Washington, and it’s day 1 of me in therapy. I love it here. I love that I get to come to a spa to work on my “issues”. I still hate faggots today.

Dear Jake,
It’s Isaiah. Day 2 of ‘Mo Love Camp. I’m still a hata, but the doctors have taught me a valuable lesson that if I want to work in Hollywood, I should probably get used to them.

Dear Jake,
It’s Isaiah. Day 3 and boy am I GLAAD I only have 2 days left! See what I did there? I showed my tolerance toward a group of people I find morally and physically repulsive. I even met with that group’s leaders to show how good I can hide that repulsion I feel. See? I’m a good actor. I can totally kick Jamie Foxx’s ass, why is he so famous anyway? I should have been in Dreamgirls instead of him. Except, wait. Who loves Dreamgirls more than the fairies?

Dear Jake,
It’s Isaiah. We had quiche today at lunch. I didn’t find that funny.

Dear Jake,
It’s Isaiah. Today is the last day of camp! I can’t wait to get out of here. You know what I can wait for? Having to be in the presence of my gaywad co-worker. I’m not mad though, I got to spend the week at a spa with a pool. Only, the thing is, I have to pretend at least until my feelings are really provoked that I don’t care that gay people exist. That might be hard. I also had to sign a paper that said that if I lay a hand on Patrick Dempsey ever again, I will be fired. I think Patrick is worried that his career might go on another 20-year hiatus. I hate Patrick Dempsey almost as much as I (still!) hate homosexuals. This spa has been fun! I learned that even though I will never rid myself of bad feelings, it’s bad for my career to talk into a microphone at the Golden Globes. But come on! The Golden Globes are lame, someone had to liven them up. I mean, Tom Hanks Blah Blah Blah Warren Beatty’s balls. We get it. YAWN. Wait, no! I never called the Golden Globes lame! Oh man! Oh well, I guess that just bought me a week at Golden Globe Insensitivity Camp. Sweet!

Offbeaten to a pulp

Thank God for CNN.com’s Offbeat News section. As if the CNN website wasn’t laughable enough with its lack of spell-checking, fact-checking and news-checking, they created a category that consolidates all the world’s most ridiculous stories in one easy location. This week features a story about a a man who returned a book to a library – only the book’s due date was in 1960! And of course, where do you think I found the Virgin Birth Gorilla story? It’s chock full o’ nuts, that page. Stupid, unnecessary nuts.

Today I noticed an excellent story about how Muslim-Australian women have developed “Burkinis”, modest swimwear that still covers the head and body, but is body skimming enough to allow for swimming and even surfing. Women who once could only go to the beach and spectate can now go in the water in a “full-length lycra suit with hijab head-covering [that] is not too figure hugging to embarrass, but is tight enough to allow its wearer to swim freely. ”

Coming soon to the Offbeat section…and in-depth look at boxer-brieferhosen, die Ãœnderpants that are taking Germany by storm, Kimonoveralls, for the Japanese girl who works on the farm, and the Kilteedo, for the Scotsman who wants to display his tartan in a banana hammock while competitively swimming.

The Fall of Man, As Depicted By CBS and the Beavis and Butthead Guy

I rented Idiocracy this weekend – the movie that the studio and everyone else hesitated to release because it calls out America for dumbing itself down and forsees a bleak future for the country. It’s bleak because the people who are too stupid, drunk or ignorant to use birth control end up overpopulating the country while the smart, cautious, high-IQed people wait to have kids and end up not having any. Therefore, in the year 2505, our nation is governed by a porn star and his cabinet is full of idiots and people who won their jobs in a contest. Which actually is as good an idea as any. If America could vote for government officials via text message or remote control after a live, twelve-week TV audition, you better believe voters would turn out in record numbers. As ridiculous as the premise seems, it actually worries me that it’s kind of close to becoming a reality.

idio

It’s a smart and depressing movie. It’s like a vision of America overrun by American Idol contestants, but not the good ones, the ones from the first episode of each season where delusional people who sing while hacky sacking and flipping their devil sticks audition and then actually cry when they realize they aren’t goin’ to Hollywood. But if you’re delusional enough to think devil sticking is a talent, maybe it’s time you founded Burning Man Idol or Phish Parking Lot Idol.

The movie is filled with Simpsons-like subtleties – background signs and gags that are as funny as any of the dialogue. America is now labeled “Uh-Merica” , dilapidated buildings are held together with rope and the Secretary of State says “I’m the Secretary of State. Brought to you by Carl’s Jr.”

This would all be really hilarious and easily brushed off, if it was not for the segment I saw on CBS Sunday Morning yesterday (because the only thing I like to do to cap off a crazy weekend of Netflix watching is getting up early to watch a healthy dose of Charles Osgood – -I wonder if Lindsay Lohan needs a roommate in rehab, because something’s gotta be done to tame my wild ways). The news story was about the tradition of naming things – buildings, colleges, towns – after people and companies. Which is all fine and good until the people and companies turn out to be Enron and Tyco and your town is named for an insider trader who is now trading cigarettes for the safety and integrity of his bum bum. I don’t have a huge problem with a company paying to slap their name on something because for instance, the Boston Garden will always be the Boston Garden, even if it was the Shawmut Center and then the Fleet Center and now the TD BankNorth Center. But the Idiocracy part of all of this is that towns like “Dish”, Texas which, according to CBS “got its name when the Dish network offered free service to any community that agreed to rename itself “Dish.” The town of Clark, located an hour north of Fort Worth, took them up on it.” Are the Dishians really that hard up for Starz! that they don’t care that they sold themselves out? Maps are going to have to be rewritten because these people want VH1 Classic. It’s creepy.

Also creepy? The fact that Goldenpalace.com bought the naming rights to an entire species. So because a gambling website shelled out $650k, the callicebus aureipalattii will now be called the Goldenpalace.com monkey. It makes me want to write a children’s book about a nosy little primate who lives with a man in a Big “Crayola Unmellow Yellow” Hat. “Curious George, Upon Browsing Monster.com, Takes a Job”. “Curious George Learns the Alphabet, With Help From Campbell’s Soup”, “Curious George Rides a Huffy Bike, But Not Without Padding and Helmets Provided by Pro-Tec Protective Gear”.

I don’t like getting all worked up about the future because it depresses me – I hated studying astronomy in college because we learned that eventually the sun will burn out and earth will go into deep freeze or some crap, and civilization will end. That makes me feel like all the work people do in their lives will end up being for nothing. History and people and relationships and technological advances will cease to exist and no record of life will remain. My Carl Sagan Loving Companion thinks thinks that my spin on astronomy, and not astronomy itself, is what is depressing. To each his own, Dear Companion. In the meantime, while civilization still exists, maybe we can just stop selling it off in bits and pieces. I’d hate to think that when the sun finally burns out, it will be for the best.

I’m “IT”

Glennis “tagged” my blog today, which is 2007’s answer to the email questionnaires we all forwarded in college (as in: “When was the last time you cried?” and “Thunderstorms: Cool or Creepy?”). By being tagged I now have to reveal 5 things about myself that I think no one knows. Or something. I’ve been withdrawing from online life lately (as you can see from all the non-existent posts you have not been reading here), but I’ll bite.

1. I sing songs in Spanish in my head. Well, I used to when I was actually a student of Spanish in high school. When The Bodyguard was a really big hit movie and Whitney Houston had like 8 singles out at once, I would translate them into Spanish (Spanglish might be slightly more accurate) and they would run through my head that way.

“No necesito mirar…mucho mas lejos. No quiero ir, donde no me sigas…” Yeah, that’s a line from “I Have Nothing” but in Spanish. (“I don’t really need to look/Very much further, I don’t wanna have to go/Where you don’t follow”) Welcome to my 14-year-old mind.

whitney

2. I have to set my alarm to a number ending in 3. For example, 7:03am. 8:33am. Etc.

3. I pick out names for children and pets that I don’t know if I’m going to have. On a regular basis.

4. I waited in line to have Ann M. Martin sign a copy of “Kristy’s Great Idea” at Tatnuck Booksellers in Worcester, MA. When I was 17.
babysitters

5. I watched Romancing the Stone and/or Annie (taped off of tv) every day after school for a year. I knew (and probably still know) every line to both. I still think the phrase “mondo dismo” should be more popular than it is.

Joan Wilder: “You’re an absolute mondo dismo”
Michael Douglas as Jack T. Colton: “I’m a what am I? A what?”
Joan Wilder: “You’re a man who takes money from stranded women.”

So I guess I have to tag 5 people…but I don’t think I know 5 people. So…

Amy and Jeff , My Tagged Companion, and Ryan, You’re It.

Immaculate Conc-ape-tion

chimp

Ohmigod, you guys. Here’s something I don’t think anyone was expecting. It’s the second coming, only Jesus is a monkey. Can we now just agree that humans are all fallible and stupid so that there can be peace in the Middle East and we were ALL wrong about EVERYTHING? Also, this chimp is now “MOTHER Teresa”. There are no coincidences.

A female chimpanzee at a sanctuary has given birth, despite the fact that the facility’s entire male chimp population has had vasectomies.

Now managers at Chimp Haven are planning a paternity test for the seven males who lived in a group with Teresa, a wild-born chimpanzee in her late 40s who had the baby girl last week.

Workers have started collecting hair samples from the chimps for testing. Once they identify the father, it’s back to the operating room for him.

Chimp Haven managers said they knew something was up when Teresa was missing during morning rounds on January 8. Later in the day, she appeared with a newborn chimpanzee in her arms.

“Well, we were all just a little bit surprised when we heard the news,” said Linda Brent, a spokeswoman for Chimp Haven.

The baby chimpanzee was named Tracy and she and her mother are doing fine, Brent said.

Teresa had 10 other offspring before retiring to Chimp Haven over a year ago. This is her first baby in 13 years.

It’s also the first chimpanzee born at the sanctuary although officials there hope there will be no more accidents.

Chimp Haven provides long-term care for chimpanzees who are no longer needed for laboratory research. It was established by a group of primatologists and is located on 200 forested acres about 20 miles southwest of Shreveport. The first chimpanzee residents began arriving in 2005, according to the sanctuary’s Web site.

Other things I could have titled this post: Monkey in the Manger, Spurious George, Artificial In-simian-ation, and Rhesus Christ.

Other angles I was considering taking this post: “Steven Bing denies paternity.” “The chimp’s lawyer, Howard K. Stern claims paternity.” “Word on the street is that Angelina Jolie, Louisiana’s newest homeowner, chose residency in the state to be nearer to her new adopted baby.” and “Theresa, a cheerleader, had no idea she was pregnant and said the baby just ‘popped out’ during seventh period study hall.”

Low Res

I spent my whole 2006 resolving to not be a performer, and here it is 2007 and by January 12th, I will have been involved in 3 shows. So it looks like my resolutions are really only good for one calendar year. Last week, I performed in Glennis and Kate’s “Always the Bridesmaid…Scaring the Bride”, thank you to both people who attended, by the way. And this week I’ll be in Mortified on Wednesday at 8pm at Makor, and a story I wrote will be performed at the PIT this Friday at 11pm. I won’t actually be in this show because I will be in Massachusetts, but how about you stop getting technical about things?

I did not resolve to write in the blog every day, as you can see. But in the meantime, here’s a picture I took from the Circle Line tour last Sunday. It’s relevant to this post because it has low resolution.

nyc