Archive for February, 2007

Amazing Brenda

Ever since we filmed a game show, I keep having these thoughts about what would happen if I was the type of person who couldn’t get over myself and the things I do. Like when TV Companion and I watch new favorite show 1 vs. 100 (seriously, it’s a good show), I think about the contestants and what makes them likeable and fun to watch. Last week, there was a supergay contestant who said that the reason he was so smart was because his dad bought him a set of encyclopedias as a kid once he realized his son was never going to be a football player. Awww. It was an adorable way to come out to the viewing audience. After watching that though, in my own head, I made up a scenario where the obnoxious version of me says “Well, in MY game show experience, I know I also took great care in deciding what kind of persona I projected.” This would be false, but I’m pretty sure that I would be amazing if I really said that out loud.

Last night when I was on the train home from work, there was a guy spread very wide across his seat on my right- so wide that I had to sit half with my butt on the seat but my body facing left because I couldn’t fit straight back, he was just kind of sprawled and spacious. Again, in my head I was thinking that I too was very broad, in fact, my massage therapist commented on my beautiful dancer-like lats at our last session. This too would be false. A more accurate depiction would be to say that once, a massage therapist commented that I had lats. But I love making up what I might say if I had a deluded sense of reality.

One person with such a sense of deluded self-awareness is the amazing Brenda Dickson. Kate told me and Glennis about Brenda and we couldn’t get enough of it, and then she managed to find this link that shows off Brenda in all her fabulous, surreal splendor. Welcome to Chez Brenda.

The Number 23 and Me

Admission time: I put 100% faith in all things numerological. It’s no joke. Your birth month plus date plus year equals who you are as a human being or something. So let’s not be so quick to judge the new Jim Carrey-Virgina Madsen vehicle The Number 23 , releasing today, because maybe…MAYBE…the film has a deeper meaning than you all think. I know that the number 23 has affected me personally in many ways, let’s take a look-see down Liz Road to delve into its mysterious powers.

Last Saturday, Music Companion cued up a song from “Now That’s What I Call Music: Vol 23” – that song was “Ain’t No Other Man” by Christina Aguilera. And guys, Xtina is from Pittsburgh and Music Companion is from Pittsburgh! HOLY CRAP! Also, it’s really true, there ain’t no other man for me, my Music Companion is super. COINCIDENCE?!

Yesterday I started my day by watching New York 1 (Channel 1 on Time Warner Cable) in the morning and then I ended my day by watching E! (Channel 24). 24-1= 23!NUTS!!!

I usually go to bed at 11pm. In military time that is 2300! THE 23RD HOUR! CRAZY!!!

“Long, Long, Long” is my favorite song on the Beatles’ White Album. If you count the tracks consecutively instead of considering the double-disc set as two separate albums, GUESS WHAT NUMBER TRACK THAT IS???? HOLYCRAP!

Maine is the 23rd state admitted to the union. I am from Massachusetts, which Maine used to be a part of, and I also applied to 2 colleges in Maine….and THREE colleges NOT in Maine….2 and 3. 23! CREEPY! OHMIGOD!!!

I am 28 now and I often enjoy saying “Gimme 5!” 28-5=23!!!! I could say “Gimme some skin!” or “Up high!”, but I don’t! DOWNLOWTOOSLOW!!

My favorite time to watch TV is PRIME time. 23 is a PRIME number. MATH!!!

My first apartment in New York City was OH MY GOD, NO! IT WAS ON 23RD STREET! THISAINTRIGHT!!

W is the 23rd letter of the alphabet and guess what the nickname of our current US president is??? DUNDUNDUUUNNN!

Michael Jordan wore the number 23 and you guys, I visited Chicago when I was 24! The average of 24 and 23 is 23.5 which technically is part of the number 23!!!!! WHATTHECRAP??

If you push the shift key on your computer on numbers 2 and 3 you get @ #. AT POUND. As in “I AM AT THE GYM LIFTING WEIGHTS”. Scarily enough, I belong to New York Sports Club!!!! WHATINTHEWEIGHTBELT???

Avogadro’s Number is 6 x 10 to the 23rd power. I learned this in junior year chemistry class in 1994. 1+9+9+4=23!!!! MOLEDAY!!!!

If you aren’t already pooping your pants right now at the fact that I am destined to become a crazed homicidal killer, I don’t know what to tell you. I am dangerous.

THE NUMBER 23! [jazz hands!]

Jackson Pollack's Number 23

The mouse in the big house

Roommate Jeff has seen a mouse in our house. I wanted to let him think it was all in his head and that he was just seeing things, but honestly I saw one last year so I couldn’t in good conscience try to trick him, fun as it may be. Also, I saw mouse poo on the counter so that took whatever fun that might be had out of it for me. No one poos on MY counter. So I did the only thing I could think of, I set a trap, and not one of those Hav-a-Hart traps. In my opinion, those are nothing but a fun challenge for rodents: get trapped, hang out with a piece of cheese for a few hours, get released, repeat. It’s like a free dinner in a holding cell, kind of like a company party or a bad date. So I set a neck-snapping, old timey trap that is sure to scare the bejesus out of not only all mice everywhere, but out of me and Jeff too should we come home to find anything dead in it.

My favorite part of the trap is the packaging it came in. These Mouse-Guard brand traps which clearly set out do do one thing and one thing only, murder little animals, show a mouse in a jail cell crying. (Do mice even have time to cry when their spinal cords are severed from their brains?) But this packaging is so darn cute! If Sephora has taught me one thing, its that good packaging makes you want to buy things, hence why I own the CARGO Lipstick of mousetraps.

jailbait

Bring it on, Mickey.

No weak links in this chain

Have I mentioned that Chain Reaction was the funnest thing ever? I’m not sure if I made that clear in my last post about it. In order to even get on the show in the first place, we had to fill out several questionnaires about ourselves, you know, to ensure that we did not have the personalities of doorknobs and would make GOOD TV! But the problem was that we had to answer the same question over and over, it was just like “tell us something interesting about yourself” re-worded 20 ways. Do you have any special skills? Do you have any special talents? Do you have any special hobbies? Do your teammates have any of those things?

Not really, but thanks for re-asking me all those times. After a while, Kate, Glennis and I were sort of at our wit’s end (well, not really, since there is no limit to our wit). But we were annoyed because it’s hard to answer questions about yourself and try to keep sounding clever and wonderful. It was like setting up an online dating profile, only, if you did it well your date would be money instead of a human person. So after coming to that realization, we forged ahead. Then we came to a section not about ourselves, but about Chain Reaction host, Dylan Lane. If your Google-search for your name has brought you here, welcome, Dylan.

We tried to take it seriously, but at this point, it was like we couldn’t contain ourselves.

What are your thoughts on our host Dylan?

Replied Kate: He’s no Roger Lodge but he’d do in a pinch.

Replied Glennis: I find him foxy.

Replied Moi: I enjoy when contestants veer off into dirty mind territory with their guesses, and he seems to enjoy it too.

What do you think Dylan would find interesting about you?

Replied Glennis: That I find him foxy.

Replied Kate: That I know that I am not the first young thing to pit him against Roger Lodge. I also hope against hope that he was named after Dylan McKay.

Replied Moi: My nephew is also named Dylan and he thinks it’s interesting when I make fart sounds on my arm and give him wheelbarrow rides. What’s in a name? Hopefully the same interests.

Of course, what did they choose to talk to me about during the interview portion of the show? How I make fart sounds on my arm to entertain my 3-year-old nephew. Yes, America, your first national glimpse of me will be when you experience my thoughtful musings on farts.

I’m no stranger to the interview portion of the game show – it’s the main reason I even watch Jeopardy! at all, it makes the audience at home familiar with the contestants and can at times persuade them to root for one person over another. There have been many a time when a contestant with a story about mis-conjugating a verb in French and boy did their Parisian waiter have no patience, har har! has lost me entirely and by default I choose to root against them. Should you, the Chain Reaction audience at home, have a particular soft spot for farts, I just may be in luck. Air Date is a tentative March 27, audience!!

farts

I Heart My Two Mommies

In a mail-order box of cookies I received at work today:

mommies

The cruelest way to come out to me, or a bad case of customer service just not quite hearing right?

The best is that these cookies are from “Geoff & Drew’s Cookies”, whose website is GDCookies.com. As in “When I found out about mom, I ate all those GD cookies”.

The Long Con, Or Call Me Freckles

I wasn’t into Lost when it first started, but thanks to My Television Companion owning the DVDs, plus the habit forming effects the show has, I watched the first two seasons this past summer and I’m now all caught up. Just in time for the Lost backlash where everyone starts saying how bad its getting. Thanks, universe! Just when I start to be hip to things, you take it all away.

There was an episode about Sawyer – sexy, rugged, witty Sawyer – called The Long Con about how he was/is a con man and it was about a specific con he pulled on his lady friend after gaining her trust. There are some Lost back stories I can’t stand, like Locke’s always make me crazy because I don’t believe that Locke can be so wimpy and have such a horrible life and then once he gets on a desert island he basically is born-again. Unless this show is one big religious allegory, which I wouldn’t put it past the creators because it’s no more far-fetched than the island being a giant sea turtle floating in the Pacific Ocean. But I like Sawyer’s deal cause I’m always like, wow, he’s so mean but so likeable. But I bet it would hurt to kiss him cause the bro has some stubble that looks rough.

sawyer

ANYWAY. The Long Con. I know there are such things as con men, but the concept of the Long Con is something I was never really familiar with – basically the investment of time and energy into something that will eventually have a huge payoff. But ever since seeing that show, I am convinced that everything in my own life is a long con.

I ordered some shoes on Ebay last month from a vendor who is highly rated, nary a negative rating and looked like an actual retailer as opposed to an individual who was just selling their old crap. When my shoes didn’t show up after 2 weeks, I was sure I was like victim of a long con. That this vendor had set up an elaborate Ebay homepage with thousands of phony recommendations and positive reviews in order to fool me into ordering shoes for $26 plus $8 shipping. The joke was on me! I was played! We certainly can’t have that.

Then I called the post office to see if they had them and they did, so there went that theory. I set up a redeliver and they arrived promptly the next day. Basically though, I have been convinced that someone or something in my life is going to result in a long con. Friendships that are ruses, relationships that are scams. And should I ever need to get another apartment subletter, forget about it. I will be implementing major background checks to make sure they are not out to steal my bank account numbers or my 4-year old ipod.

Now that the concept is clear to me, I am a conspiracy theorist. Because clearly I have an excess of money and belongings worth trying for. But I’m on to you. Yeah, you. “Friend” who is reading this because somewhere in your looooong con you knew I’d be checking IP addresses of my lengthy list of web-fans and trying to trick me into thinking that just ’cause you read this, you’re safe and I won’t suspect you. But when I find you, so help me. Let’s just hope I don’t find you. And with that, let’s hope my prose has thwarted your cons.

Chain Reaction. The first of many posts about the best day ever.

Last night Glennis, Kate and I were contestants on Chain Reaction. I was embarrassed to tell people at work that I was going to be on a game show for fear that I would look stupid/unattractive/fat, you know, the perfect storm of girl self-consciousness. It was maybe the funnest thing ever though and I loved it. I am legally not allowed to say a whole lot about the outcome of the game, but who cares because essentially it was a free way to get sandwiches and makeovers (we had hair and makeup people, people!). We got totally madeover and even had touch-ups as the show went on. I usually scoff when celebrities are in like, InStyle just lounging around their outdoor fire pit with their dogs and give quotes like “On weekends I never wear makeup, that’s when I allow my skin to breathe”. As someone who regularly uses concealer and gloss and not much else, I don’t think I need a day off from makeup, I never think “Ahh, Saturday, that’s when I take my skin vacation!” (Note: If ever I become a retired porn star, Skin Vacation is totally going to be the name of my autobio.)

But let me tell you, I washed and astringed my face twice last night and still couldn’t get all the makeup off. They pulled out all the stops because when I was waiting for the train, Game Show Companion actually said “Wow! They drew you eyebrows!” because the two wisps above my eyes hardly qualify as brows, I think. They stopped at nothing with the putting on of my face.(Note: My other retired porn star autobio would be My Brows Don’t Arch But My Back Does.)

It was worth it because I looked hot, obvs, but after I washed my face and still had raccoon eyes that looked like I was about to Goth-Serve someone in South Park, it was frustrating. And unfortunate that I have white towels.

Here’s us after filming, makeup intact and looking hottt:
hotties

Here is what I looked like after:
you just got goth served

goth liz