Archive for February 14th, 2007

I Heart My Two Mommies

In a mail-order box of cookies I received at work today:

mommies

The cruelest way to come out to me, or a bad case of customer service just not quite hearing right?

The best is that these cookies are from “Geoff & Drew’s Cookies”, whose website is GDCookies.com. As in “When I found out about mom, I ate all those GD cookies”.

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The Long Con, Or Call Me Freckles

I wasn’t into Lost when it first started, but thanks to My Television Companion owning the DVDs, plus the habit forming effects the show has, I watched the first two seasons this past summer and I’m now all caught up. Just in time for the Lost backlash where everyone starts saying how bad its getting. Thanks, universe! Just when I start to be hip to things, you take it all away.

There was an episode about Sawyer – sexy, rugged, witty Sawyer – called The Long Con about how he was/is a con man and it was about a specific con he pulled on his lady friend after gaining her trust. There are some Lost back stories I can’t stand, like Locke’s always make me crazy because I don’t believe that Locke can be so wimpy and have such a horrible life and then once he gets on a desert island he basically is born-again. Unless this show is one big religious allegory, which I wouldn’t put it past the creators because it’s no more far-fetched than the island being a giant sea turtle floating in the Pacific Ocean. But I like Sawyer’s deal cause I’m always like, wow, he’s so mean but so likeable. But I bet it would hurt to kiss him cause the bro has some stubble that looks rough.

sawyer

ANYWAY. The Long Con. I know there are such things as con men, but the concept of the Long Con is something I was never really familiar with – basically the investment of time and energy into something that will eventually have a huge payoff. But ever since seeing that show, I am convinced that everything in my own life is a long con.

I ordered some shoes on Ebay last month from a vendor who is highly rated, nary a negative rating and looked like an actual retailer as opposed to an individual who was just selling their old crap. When my shoes didn’t show up after 2 weeks, I was sure I was like victim of a long con. That this vendor had set up an elaborate Ebay homepage with thousands of phony recommendations and positive reviews in order to fool me into ordering shoes for $26 plus $8 shipping. The joke was on me! I was played! We certainly can’t have that.

Then I called the post office to see if they had them and they did, so there went that theory. I set up a redeliver and they arrived promptly the next day. Basically though, I have been convinced that someone or something in my life is going to result in a long con. Friendships that are ruses, relationships that are scams. And should I ever need to get another apartment subletter, forget about it. I will be implementing major background checks to make sure they are not out to steal my bank account numbers or my 4-year old ipod.

Now that the concept is clear to me, I am a conspiracy theorist. Because clearly I have an excess of money and belongings worth trying for. But I’m on to you. Yeah, you. “Friend” who is reading this because somewhere in your looooong con you knew I’d be checking IP addresses of my lengthy list of web-fans and trying to trick me into thinking that just ’cause you read this, you’re safe and I won’t suspect you. But when I find you, so help me. Let’s just hope I don’t find you. And with that, let’s hope my prose has thwarted your cons.

Chain Reaction. The first of many posts about the best day ever.

Last night Glennis, Kate and I were contestants on Chain Reaction. I was embarrassed to tell people at work that I was going to be on a game show for fear that I would look stupid/unattractive/fat, you know, the perfect storm of girl self-consciousness. It was maybe the funnest thing ever though and I loved it. I am legally not allowed to say a whole lot about the outcome of the game, but who cares because essentially it was a free way to get sandwiches and makeovers (we had hair and makeup people, people!). We got totally madeover and even had touch-ups as the show went on. I usually scoff when celebrities are in like, InStyle just lounging around their outdoor fire pit with their dogs and give quotes like “On weekends I never wear makeup, that’s when I allow my skin to breathe”. As someone who regularly uses concealer and gloss and not much else, I don’t think I need a day off from makeup, I never think “Ahh, Saturday, that’s when I take my skin vacation!” (Note: If ever I become a retired porn star, Skin Vacation is totally going to be the name of my autobio.)

But let me tell you, I washed and astringed my face twice last night and still couldn’t get all the makeup off. They pulled out all the stops because when I was waiting for the train, Game Show Companion actually said “Wow! They drew you eyebrows!” because the two wisps above my eyes hardly qualify as brows, I think. They stopped at nothing with the putting on of my face.(Note: My other retired porn star autobio would be My Brows Don’t Arch But My Back Does.)

It was worth it because I looked hot, obvs, but after I washed my face and still had raccoon eyes that looked like I was about to Goth-Serve someone in South Park, it was frustrating. And unfortunate that I have white towels.

Here’s us after filming, makeup intact and looking hottt:
hotties

Here is what I looked like after:
you just got goth served

goth liz

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