The Simple Lie. F.

Listen up! I have a theory that I’m prettttty sure is going to blow the lid off things. “Things” meaning Paris Hilton. I’ve resisted her for so long but I have decided that I know what’s up. Have you seen the pictures of her, freshly released from her stint in the clink? Because I have and I want to voice my opinion that that’s clearly a Paris Hilton impersonator. The real Paris was probably at home eating Carl’s Jr. and watching Starting Over every day while this impersonator was doing hard time in her stead.


Picture 1

cannot be the same as this:

Picture 2

There’s a reason people dislike this gal, and it’s because of things like Picture 2. Well, Picture 2 plus all the racist rantings, “acting” , and un-environmentally-sound air travel to multiple birthday parties around the globe in one night. But then Picture 1 pops up, well, actually precursor to Picture 1 (picture of crying Paris in car) pops up, makes people think she has a heart, and then we start to believe in the redemptiveness of jail in case we didn’t already learn it at Shawshank. But… I mean, that ain’t Paris. What I’m thinkin’ happened is Real Paris went to jail, couldn’t stand the heat, got let out of the kitchen…and then a Fake Paris was hired by Rick and Kathy to get back into the kitchen to do the rest of her time.

Let’s also consider that Lindsay Lohan’s birthday party (is that thing still happening!? I haven’t felt so will-they-or-won’t-they about something since Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper. If that party doesn’t happen you can bet I will not have a neat summer) is rumored to have Paris impersonators attending, so these gals are just a Google search away, it would not be hard for the Hiltons to locate a replica of their eldest skank progeny. Or maybe they didn’t even have to pay someone, maybe they found a thin, orange homeless girl who figured jail would be a better alternative than another night on the street and they gave her a face transplant like in Face/Off. Sigh. Remember when Nicolas Cage movies were watchable?

So what I’m saying is that metaphorically, if Paris (Hilton) is Paris, then Paris (Impersonator) is the Paris Las Vegas, a model of the real thing used to fool none-the-wiser spectators. But don’t let yourself be fooled! This is really important stuff.

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