If I Worked at the NY Post…Briefly

A couple of puns came to me today…the first are inspired by Living Companion, who I now realize suffers from bruxism, which is a fancy way of saying boyfriend grinds his teeth so loud at night, you haven’t lived till you have both woken to the chompy chomp of molars being ground to an inch of their life. So with that on my mind…

What happens when Dr. Jeffrey Gold, DDS (coincidentally my real dentist), gets convicted of selling off his stocks after a secret tip (not something my real dentist has done, to my knowledge), only to find that life in the big house is pretty grand, especially when you can perform acts of dentistry for packs of smokes and 5th Avenue Candy Bars? It’s Shawshank Redemption (the Andy doing people’s taxes part) meets Little Shop of Horrors (just the dentist part)…Incisor Trading!

What happens when Dr. Jeffrey Gold, DDS gets divorced from his wife, Mrs. Dr. Gold, and in the process of trying to win her back, realizes he’s in love with the one person who has been there for him the whole time, his hygienist Tabby? Why it’s Molar Eclipse of the Heart. (Theme song: “Save the Best for Last” by Vanessa Williams, who has a recurring part where she appears to Dr. Gold in his dreams only while singing this song, and every episode he tells this to Tabby who then does a take to the camera and shrugs, roll credits.)

And for the non-tooth related…

What happens when young housewife Deb Hastings, after realizing her life’s in shambles and she’s unhappy, discovers her life’s passion is to turn tricks…no not those tricks…and she realizes a newfound happiness that was previously untapped. Why, the heartwarming Abraca-Debra. (This could also be a title/premise for Everybody Loves Raymond. )

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