Archive for March, 2008

If I Worked at the NY Post – All Over the Map edition

I haven’t punned in so long. I miss it. Here’s the latest batch of punny sitcom titles that will never air except in my head.

Who knew that Sam Malone was such an astronomy buff? Watch what happens when real-life couple Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen take a rocketship ride to the international space station armed with a few astronaut ice cream bars, a camera and a whole lotta love for supernovas in Danson with the Stars.

Everyone’s favorite early 2000’s TV-guest-star-turned-shoplifting crazy lady Bai Ling has has it up to HERE (hand reaches the upper part of Bai Ling’s see-through plastic turtleneck) with Hollywood and decides to kick it agro-style in upstate New York on a sheep farm. But it turns out that she has a knack for raising these good-for-mutton animals and is a shear genius…VH1 Celebreality goes Bai Ling Wool this fall.

Angel and Buffy aren’t the only vampire shows in town – who knew that The Washington Times employs a vamp to do their copyediting? Like copyeditors ever get sun anyway! A&E explores the life and times of the editor with a lot at STAKE in Typo Negative.

Renovating brings people together for sure – HGTV already knows that! That’s why they started a dating show for people who love Charles and Ray Eames, condo prices-per-foot and the merits of low VOC paint called Laquer? I Don’t Even Know Her!.


Easter ‘n’ Promises

This weekend At-Home Companion and I barely left the house, mainly because we knew the party was coming to us on Sunday when we had a big old Easter brunch featuring bellinis, hot cheese dips, Edible Arrangements and Rock Band.  So while we spent the entire weekend cleaning and cooking, we spent Saturday night in front of the tube, which had no fewer than 3 great movies on basic cable – that never happens, I assure you, and I usually end up watching some terrible Food Network competition involving fondant and panes of colored sugar-glass. I flipped around and watched bits and pieces of Wayne’s World which, to my surprise I still knew pretty much every word of, including the Alice Cooper song “Feed My Frankenstein”. Go figure. I’m hungry for love and it’s feeding time! Can I get a job that requires that knowledge of me, please? When Harry Met Sally was also on, and Goonies was in there somewhere too. Easter brings out the best in quality programming, I think. After Wayne’s World we watched the first half hour of The Sound of Music, at which point I realized I own the movie on DVD and we popped it in and started watching where we left off (the DVD I have has Sound of Music karaoke…remind me why I didn’t bust that out when we had guests?). We only watched up till the intermission though, when Baroness Schrader tells Maria that Captain Von Trapp has the hots for her and Maria flees the comfort of the Von Trapp household with nothing but her ugly dress and acoustic guitar for the secluded environs of the nunnery again. At that point I told At-Home Companion that we could finish the movie another night because let’s face it, there was a hockey game to watch and 1.5 hours of The Lonely Goatherd and Rolf the Nazi with no eyebrows was enough. (SPOILER! ROLF IS A NAZI!)

Sunday we had a delicious and excessive brunch that looked something like this:

Crazy Eyez and The Bacon Eaterz Photo Courtesy of Someone with Glennis’ Camera

Born to Pun

First of all, how happy was I to read the Post headline about the McCartney-Mills divorce settlement:

“An Arm and a Leg”


Also, in other pun news, I was rewarded for a pun the other day.  Backstory: About 6 months ago I read in either Food and Wine or Martha Stewart Living (because I am 50!)  an ad for The Rabbit Corkscrew – they were having a contest to fill in the blank, a la The New Yorker caption contest.

So the image was

The top 5 winners got $1000, so of course my thought was “I think of puns in my sleep, of course I will win this” and sent my suggestion on it’s merry way and as with everything I have ever done, completely erased it from my mind. Until I got an email last week notifying me that I won! But not the $1000, I was a runner up and won a Rabbit Corkscrew (Retails for $50! Woo! I don’t drink wine! I would have preferred the cash! But I love winning so I will not be complaining!) Of course, I went through the trouble of thinking of a suggestion, sending it off, and not including any personal info, so the email I received was “Congratulations, you won a corkscrew! Where do we send it?”

Oh, and my suggestion was “I wish I could keep these feelings bottled up but I decant.” A list of the winners is here, and I have to say, I feel a little cheated. However, I’ve told a couple people about the contest and as soon as I say “Guess what? I won a corkscrew!” they say “A Rabbit?! Because those are awesome!” so, go me! I guess I’ll be having more wine parties in the future.

Call of Doody

I work in a pretty casual office. When I visit my parents and I throw on a ratty sweater, jeans and sneakers, my mother usually asks me “You wear THAT to work?” Such is the formality I grew up with – as a kid, I would polish my shoes before church (granted it was that polish that was like a bottle of paint with a sponge applicator to hide scuffs), I would worry that my little girl nylons had runs in them and actually owned a nice winter jacket for going places and a waterproof ski jacket for playing in snow. Now, none of that matters, I’ve rebelled and my whole life is one long casual Friday.  Even though my mother wishes I would brush my hair more often and wear slips and hose under my dresses,  and last night when we talked while I was getting ready for bed she was like “What – what is that? Are you BRUSHING your TEETH while we’re on the phone?” (I like to multitask), there is one place I draw the line. Cell phones + public restrooms.  When did it ever become okay to talk on the phone in public while peeing? Because everyone in my office does it. One girl was even on the phone with her doctor just now while she was peeing, telling the doc how bad her bronchitis was and how bad she needed to see him. Um, I don’t know if calling from a germy public restroom is helping your case. Also, how is this okay?? I’m ashamed to call my family members from my desk phone for fear of annoying my cubicle neighbors, I can’t imagine what influence I’d have to be under to want to dial out from the four-stalled public restroom. It’s one thing to have your own pee heard on the other end – it’s quite another to not know what the person in stall two had for lunch and how it’s going to affect your conversation. It’s hilarious to me that people will try and arrange meetings and work stuff from the toilet too – I don’t want to know how you conduct any of your business. At all. ANY. of it.

If you want to use the phone at your own house and go to the bathroom, fine – most of us have at one point or another, that’s the beauty of cordless and cellular phones. But aside from the time at my old job when I found a handful of peanuts resting on the toilet paper dispenser, talking on the phone has to take the cake as grossest workplace application of the crapper because it means you’ve absolutely given up. You may as well not be wearing underwear as you step out of your chauffeured Escalade, that’s how little you care about your privacy. Am I being old and curmudgeonly, as always? Probably, but there’s a difference between what you do at home and what you do at work, at least understand that your boss might be sitting next to you, wanting to fart so bad but you’re blabbing on and on. And your boss, the one with the massive Chipotle-burrito-bol fart being held back,  comes off as the polite one. You may not care if others hear you, but maybe next time, think about whether or not the person hearing you really wants to hear your hellos and goodbyes punctuated by a flush.


A Comments Poll: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Readers, I’m torn. I did the blog switcheroo on Friday and Saturday, got everything transferred, and now am feeling remorse. Should I keep the old, cute site whose domain and hosting fees run me a cool $150/year (give or take)? Or do you think I’m being fiscally responsible by saving that money away for my unborn kids’ educations/a home I won’t be able to afford/ a car I don’t need? Since my blog doesn’t offer a polling feature, comment to me and tell me if I should keep the old or embrace the new…I expect all four of my readers to weigh in…

Cute but not free that you all know and love and have bookmarked and are RSS-fed:

Old Site

Free but not cute and new to you and you’ll probably never check again, what with the having to type out an additional “.wordpress”:

Free, uncute

This Site is Moving!

The money isn’t flowing like it used to (or maybe I’m just getting cheaper), so I’m moving this site to a free, less well-designed WordPress page (I’ll miss you, cute heart theme that I can’t take with me). From now on, the same half-assed content you’ve always loved and come to expect will be found at

I’m trying to find a way to keep the domain name while rerouting it to the free WordPress host, but for now, I’ll only be updating at the address above.


I’m a peace-lover – a pacifist who prefers to keep my mouth shut in argumentative times (this usually leads to inner monologues filled with cursing and bile-spewing, most often directed at people on the subway) and occasionally this means I either explode with rage at the people I love or go to yoga to clear the old noggin. I especially don’t like talking about politics because I sort of like the idea that people keep that stuff a secret – “Who did you vote for?” “I’ll never tell”. It’s weird that that’s something people consider very personal, but also, I’ve had enough arguments with Republican friends to know that not everyone’s politics define them as people. It sounds stupid, but I always think “If James Carville and Mary Matalin can get married, anyone can be friends”. They are still married, aren’t they?

But today I read that Geraldine Ferraro, on top of making her stupid Obama comment’s about how he has only gotten to where he is because of his race, also said that she herself would never have been chosen as the 1984 VP candidate if she was a man. Clearly this woman sees things, literally, in black and white. It’s like she’s implying that no one besides white men have ever been qualified to hold these positions and for anyone else to be considered for them, they are affirmative actiony, token candidates. Unless you’re Hillary. (I also don’t have a huge gripe against Hillary. I can see where some people might but as a girl, I think it would be pretty awesome if we finally crawled out of the dark ages and elected a woman. Also, last night on Countdown, their title was Furorro. Yay, puns!) Where was Ferraro when George W. was running, why wasn’t she crying nepotism then? Because he’s far inferior from any of the three possible contenders for the White House and deserves more flack than any of them. Big picture, Gerry. Think about it. We have the choice to elect a democrat who is either black or a woman which is huge, but also they are both effing smart. We also have the chance to elect a veteran for the first time in a while who, despite saying we’ll be in Iraq for 100 years under him, might get some decent stuff done and if not, how awesome would it be to look at his wife’s ever changing hairstyles for four years?

My friend Becky used to dream up the most minority candidate you could ever imagine, I think it was something like a black, Jewish lesbian in a wheelchair (maybe there were even more traits in there – maybe she also had rosacea, was blind and vegan too), what would you say to that candidate then? So I say give it a rest, Ger. Everyone has a “thing”, a stigma against them. And right now, America’s thing is George Bush. Let’s be happy that we actually have three possible cures for what ails us.