Archive for the ‘ Musings ’ Category

Ay, I’m in New York. I got a gun, let’s go to a Broadway show.

Contrary to what you may think, this ice cream recipe does not call for a healthy dollop of actor-waiters, no available seats on the 4 train and a pinch of why do I still live in a cramped one-bedroom and I’m in my 30s? Instead, it consists mostly of cream, corn sirup, and, if you’re gonna get all Tutti-Frutti about it, nut meats.

My thanks to Wayne’s World for the title.

Related Content: “Hi…I’m in Delaware.”


It’s Official: The 90s Are The New 80s

TV Watching Companion and I have been dealing with the heat these past couple weeks the only way we know how – by staying indoors in the air-conditioning and watching the tee-vee. That’s pronounced TEE-vee.

Couple things we’ve watched: Heat, the 1995 Michael Mann cop film that was the first ever onscreen “showdown” (as it’s known…on the back of the DVD jacket) between Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, and June 17, 1994, a movie on ESPN about all the crazy shiz that happened on that day in history, most significantly the OJ Simpson Bronco chase. Here’s what I learned from both of these things. People in the 1990’s were just as reckless with their fashion choices as people in the 1980’s and yet it’s the 80s that have the bad rap. Just look at these photos of Jeremy Piven, who had a minor role in Heat, and Keith Olbermann, whose mustache had a minor role on SportsCenter.

Were you ever aware that such magnificent men wore such magnificent mustaches? I was not. But it goes to show you that we, as a people, were not out of the bad-fashion woods even as late as 1995. You might think flannel was the only error in judgment we had then, but oh-ho-ho-ho NO sirs, you’re wrong.

A Free Refill On The Cup

I feel really old/sad/weird about the fact that the four years between the last World Cup and present day seem to have gone by in a flash. Is that me getting older, or is there actually some kind of time warp in effect? No matter, but I’m too lazy to come up with a fresh post right now, so please accept this re-post of a gem from the last World Cup, originally posted June 17, 2006. It’s all about the puns.

Day 9 of World Cup Widow-hood and I’m feeling ok. I don’t miss my companion as much as I thought I would, but that’s probably because he’s sitting next to me, though all his attention is turned to the U.S/Italy game and nary a keystroke on my computer can be heard by him, such is his soccer tunnel vision at the moment. But how can you not be riveted when there are yellow and red cards being spewed by the refs every 10 seconds for gross moves like this?

(After elbow to face contact was made there was bloodshed. Gross but exciting!)

Thus far my favorite elements of the World Cup are the trivial facts the announcers divulge anytime anything happens…”Germany’s first goal against Costa Rica, scored in the 6th minute of play, was the second-earliest scored goal in any World Cup opening game”…”This is the first time Ghana has beaten a European team in the Cup since 1964″…”German player Miroslav Klose is the only player in World Cup history to score twice in the opening game of the cup while also celebrating his birthday”….”Czech goalie Petr Cech is the only player to have four of the five letters of his nationality in his last name”….

Ok, they didn’t say the last one, but it’s probably accurate unless Ted Amerian plays for the U.S. I mean, the thing is that that stuff is not weird. What’s weird is the Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on July 4, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. THAT is the weird trivia trump card, I think. Not that this post is an all-American vendetta against soccer announcers but if you’re gonna spew facts, go with the good stuff, I say.

And now for some more good stuff…

Ghana shocks the world by beating Czech’s today, 2-0. In-a-Ghana Defeata

Portugal advances to the next round after a win vs. Iran. Ohhhh, They’re Halfway There, Ohhh, Lisbon on a Prayer (Incidentally, the reporters want you to know this is the first time they have advanced since 1966).

Argentina 6, Serbia & Montenegro, 0 Argentina Whips S & M

Germany,1 – Poland, 0 Germany Smokes Poles

Spain 4, Ukraine 0 The Reign of Spain Falls Mainly on Ukraine

ecal matters

At my favorite local bookstore, the one that provides me with all the vintage awesomeness I’ve found, I saw this book on the dollar shelf. And because I am five years old, I took a picture of it. Of course I know that it is called “Pieces of a Dream”, but sue me for giggling over the fact that it could just as easily be called “Feces of a Dream” since the cover is torn. As Oprah can attest, poop is a well that will never run dry.

Also, after getting hairy looks from the Marlboro Red-smoking shopkeeper for taking camera phone pictures of his stock, I then purchased ten more vintage food books, thus ensuring that this blog will never lack for content ever again, and then he sold Book-Loving Companion The Idle Warriors which is about Lee Harvey Oswald before the Kennedy assassination. All in all, a successful shopping day.

Phogna Bologna

The last time I ate bologna was the 1980s. I used to be a picky kid and one of my favorite sandwiches was bologna and mustard on white bread (hold the nutritional value). Ironic that “picky” as a kid is so vastly different from “picky” as an adult. The idea of eating bologna and knowing only that it’s basically a giant tube of organ gunk is horrifying. It’s hilarious that it was a-okay with me back then, and yet things like onions and coffee ice cream would make me recoil. Nowadays, I don’t think there’s any way I would touch the stuff, nor would it ever even occur to me that you could buy a 2 pound filet o’ bologna and rotisserie roast it. I feel like that would smell like a tire fire. (That seems to be a common theme in a lot of these recipes – how to recreate the feel/look/smell of something else for a haunted house. You want the smell of rubbery burning flesh? Make this here bologna. You want liquid shit? Mix this tomato and pea soup together. It would be a very intense haunted house.)

But you know what classes up a bologna dinner and makes it all okay? Waldorf salad.

“He was a bit…bitey.”

Shaun of the Dead is one of my all-time favorite movies and when I read this description of Colonial Cheese (not to be confused with Colonel Cheese, a valiant war hero if ever there was one) it reminded me of  – SPOILER ALERT – when Shaun’s mother gets attacked by a zombified neighbor and explains “He was a bit bitey.” Something tells me I’d prefer the bite of a zombie to the bite of this dip. Here’s a visual, in case the ingredients alone didn’t do it for you.

Mmm. Chunky.

(She’s Outta My) La Leche League

This introduction to the Dairy Board’s book about how to incorporate more dairy into your life is as ominous as the tiki drinks that accompany it. My favorite part is the one that references the importance of cheese and butter to one’s diet, which I certainly swear by, but I’m also no pillar of health. (Example: I am very, very hurtie today after doing a BASICS YOGA CLASS yesterday). I wish we still lived in an era where your health was threatened if you didn’t eat saturated fat.

“Cream and butter are, of course, higher in fat and the vitamins carried by fat and lower in water and milk protein. They too, are indispensable in the human larder as every great national emergency proves. Children deprived of them, as well as of milk, for any length of time show the serious physical results all their adult life.

Keep calm and carry [butter] on [your person at all times, it’s a national emergency, ah DOY]! From now on, I’m going to imagine that anyone with a weak handshake probably didn’t get enough cream as a kid. I, on the other hand, couldn’t get enough of those little individual shots of creamer. Pretty sure I drank about 10 of those during church coffee hour every Sunday between the ages of 5 and 10. (Note 1: Please refer back to Example 1 about not being able to get through BASICS YOGA WITHOUT SEARING PAIN IN THE CORE OF MY BEING and how maybe all that fat isn’t healthy after all.) But I do have a hearty handshake.