Archive for the ‘ Pun Intended ’ Category

A Free Refill On The Cup

I feel really old/sad/weird about the fact that the four years between the last World Cup and present day seem to have gone by in a flash. Is that me getting older, or is there actually some kind of time warp in effect? No matter, but I’m too lazy to come up with a fresh post right now, so please accept this re-post of a gem from the last World Cup, originally posted June 17, 2006. It’s all about the puns.

Day 9 of World Cup Widow-hood and I’m feeling ok. I don’t miss my companion as much as I thought I would, but that’s probably because he’s sitting next to me, though all his attention is turned to the U.S/Italy game and nary a keystroke on my computer can be heard by him, such is his soccer tunnel vision at the moment. But how can you not be riveted when there are yellow and red cards being spewed by the refs every 10 seconds for gross moves like this?

elbow_emp
(After elbow to face contact was made there was bloodshed. Gross but exciting!)

Thus far my favorite elements of the World Cup are the trivial facts the announcers divulge anytime anything happens…”Germany’s first goal against Costa Rica, scored in the 6th minute of play, was the second-earliest scored goal in any World Cup opening game”…”This is the first time Ghana has beaten a European team in the Cup since 1964″…”German player Miroslav Klose is the only player in World Cup history to score twice in the opening game of the cup while also celebrating his birthday”….”Czech goalie Petr Cech is the only player to have four of the five letters of his nationality in his last name”….

Ok, they didn’t say the last one, but it’s probably accurate unless Ted Amerian plays for the U.S. I mean, the thing is that that stuff is not weird. What’s weird is the Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on July 4, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. THAT is the weird trivia trump card, I think. Not that this post is an all-American vendetta against soccer announcers but if you’re gonna spew facts, go with the good stuff, I say.

And now for some more good stuff…

Ghana shocks the world by beating Czech’s today, 2-0. In-a-Ghana Defeata

Portugal advances to the next round after a win vs. Iran. Ohhhh, They’re Halfway There, Ohhh, Lisbon on a Prayer (Incidentally, the reporters want you to know this is the first time they have advanced since 1966).

Argentina 6, Serbia & Montenegro, 0 Argentina Whips S & M

Germany,1 – Poland, 0 Germany Smokes Poles

Spain 4, Ukraine 0 The Reign of Spain Falls Mainly on Ukraine

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Leaven It Up To You

Just in case you missed this gem on Facebook a few weeks back, I was explaining to my dad how I’m taking a bread-making class and we had quite the pun-fest discussing it. Here though, is a photo of me (only it’s not exactly me!) posing with the bread haul I got to take home on the second day of class. I’m going to have a lot of food-related content coming up because I found the world’s most awesome books at a used bookstore in my neighborhood the other day and I’ve been scanning my buns off (bread pun!) so I can upload the pictures here.

Anyway, here’s our highbrow discourse on the merits of my bread course:

Rick: where will you be?
me: in bread making class
4:09 PM Rick: do you knead to go there?
me: har it’s paid for so yes. it was a lot of dough
Rick: I hope at least you will bring your Mom some flour
4:10 PM me: (that was a stretch)
Rick: I knew I would get a rise out of you
4:11 PM me: it’s the yeast I can do
Rick: please, let’s stop the half baked puns
4:12 PM me: but we’re on a roll
Rick: for crust sake stop it!!!
4:14 PM me: I can’t, you bread me for this
Rick: I am through. I need a rest I am going to go and just loaf for a while
4:15 PM me: fine, I’m through with this crumby computer
Rick: I don’t know how you can sandwich this kind of chat in between your work
4:16 PM me: it’s a Wonder
Rick: you have a rye sense of humor
me: i aim to make people hoot and challah
Rick: well, I have barley begun
4:19 PM me: dont make me spelt it out for you
4:20 PM Rick: (obscure) I quit, I am raisin the white flag

The kids today and their phones and the dirty talk

I think the concept of “sexting” is hilarious, and teenage me would have thought so too (because teenage me would not have had a cellphone nor suitors with whom I would sext. The lack of phone would be out of defiance, because remember – teenage me also enjoyed incense and second-hand corduroy and wore a LOT of patches. Those details are probably also responsible for the lack of suitors).

So even though teens today are more precocious and advanced than I ever was (or, honestly, will be) I still took it upon myself to make up a punny name for what they do…I can see this as a NY Post headline more than anything, although I would really love it to be an Onion headline:

 

Talk QWERTY To Me.

Pun in the Workplace

I have a head for business and a bod for sin, minus the head for business part. And the bod for sin part. Basically, I’m a ghost. But I still like coming up with puns and recently I thought of two, for when I decide to open my own store.

First, if I ever feel like becoming a yoga instructor, I’m totally naming my studio The Om Depot.

My second idea is both a sitcom pitch and an actual shop I’d seriously like to own. The pitch part goes: What happens when a couple who files for separation are ordered by the court to stay together for the sake of their coffee shop? Grounds for Divorce! So yeah, sitcom or no, I think that name is awesome and if anyone steals it from me I will hunt them down. Despite the fact that I can barely tolerate coffee anymore, let alone run a business that requires extensive knowledge about it.

Political Punned-its

In the grand tradition of people taking the last names on a political ticket and messing with them (by grand tradition I mean the one and only “Sore-Loserman” ticket of 2000), I realized I thought of a couple just now. They aren’t like, pun-savant good, but I’m surprised I haven’t seen them as headlines inside The Post.

McCain Flailin’

McCain Ailin’

(In Michigan) McCain Bailin’

McCain Tailin’

McCain Pale-in Comparison

Obama Bidin’ his time

McCain’t Misbehavin’

 

Also sure to be a hit? These Election Night pundit shows that I hope to see on MSNBC, CNN and Fox

Poll Dancers

Barack the Vote

One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State

Lots of Pun

I saw Happy-Go-Lucky with Roommate Jeff last week and it was a really great movie. The heroine, Poppy, was an always-chipper London teacher who, after having her bike stolen, takes driving lessons from a no-nonsense guy who doesn’t like her absentmindedness. At one point during their lesson he says “Bear with me, Poppy,” and she says “Where?! I don’t see him!” And wouldn’t you know it, that was the biggest laugh line of the movie for me.

Today in yoga, I think a woman in class had trouble hearing what the instructor was saying and the instructor had to repeat herself a few times. I laughing-lotused to myself because I had a Poppy-like response after hearing the teacher say three times “Gaze to your left.”

I know it’s a New York City yoga class, but I didn’t see any. At least not to my left.

In “Stuff I wish I thought of” news…

Sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits! Are there any other democrats out there rethinking their primary vote for Obama besides me?

(Just kidding, I didn’t vote in the primary this year. Because I was vacationing in San Francisco on Super Tuesday – but I’m pretty sure every San Franciscan cast a vote I’m on board with, what with our shared values and all.) 

But seriously, go Hillary with your puns.

Still posting over at Scandalist (until the end of next week!), plus I got a Mac at work, and I’ll be moving to a more desirable neighborhood in 5 days, so things are looking up. (What constitutes “more desirable” in my mind? I think about if I were to do an apartment swap with some other-city dwelling vacationer, would I feel guilty telling them “Yeah, I totally live in a great part of Brooklyn”? If I were to have that hypothetical conversation today, I would feel very bad – red-hot on the Guilt-o-Tron 3000 (wink!). What with the cabbie who got his eye shot out  5 blocks from my house and the train to nowhere as the closest public transportation. But now, I’ll really be able to wholeheartedly say “I live where Brooklyn rich people live – Brooklyn people who have the option NOT to live in Brooklyn but choose not to take it! Even though I live in a shoebox (but you should see the bathroom – it’s newly renovated)!” But I actually don’t ever plan to use those house-swap websites, so this is purely just an example of what I might say if I did.)

Annnnyway.

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