Archive for June, 2010

It’s Official: The 90s Are The New 80s

TV Watching Companion and I have been dealing with the heat these past couple weeks the only way we know how – by staying indoors in the air-conditioning and watching the tee-vee. That’s pronounced TEE-vee.

Couple things we’ve watched: Heat, the 1995 Michael Mann cop film that was the first ever onscreen “showdown” (as it’s known…on the back of the DVD jacket) between Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, and June 17, 1994, a movie on ESPN about all the crazy shiz that happened on that day in history, most significantly the OJ Simpson Bronco chase. Here’s what I learned from both of these things. People in the 1990’s were just as reckless with their fashion choices as people in the 1980’s and yet it’s the 80s that have the bad rap. Just look at these photos of Jeremy Piven, who had a minor role in Heat, and Keith Olbermann, whose mustache had a minor role on SportsCenter.

Were you ever aware that such magnificent men wore such magnificent mustaches? I was not. But it goes to show you that we, as a people, were not out of the bad-fashion woods even as late as 1995. You might think flannel was the only error in judgment we had then, but oh-ho-ho-ho NO sirs, you’re wrong.

Be specific.

This conversation just happened:

Television-watching/Disney nerd companion, after reading a Disney blog: “Hey, that guy from Law and Order was at Disney World today.”

Me: “Which one?”

TVW/DNC: “Anthony Anderson.”

Me: “See, you said ‘that guy from Law And Order‘ and there are at least 15 other guys from Law And Order I would have said before him.”

TVW/DNC: “Name them.”

Me: “Chris Meloni. Ice-T. Sam Waterston. Fred Thompson. B.D. Wong. Jeremy Sisto. Jesse L. Martin. Vincent D’Onofrio. Dann Florek (only I called him “the guy that’s J.K. Simmons but not” and I also didn’t spell his name with two n’s out loud). Richard Belzer. Jerry Orbach even though he can’t possibly be in Disney World right now. Chris Noth.”

That’s only twelve, but that’s because I forgot Paul Sorvino, Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Farina. And J.K. Simmons totally WAS on L&O at one point. And I would have thought of all of those people before remembering Anthony Anderson.

Sandwiches + Time = Tragedy

As a dedicated corporate worker for the past 10 years who has canvassed many a conference room looking for free lunch, I can tell you with authority that sandwiches that are over one hour old are not worth eating. Tragedy + Time= Comedy, but Sandwiches + Time = Tragedy, owing to all that mushy bread.

So just from looking at this tray of stripe-y, swirly, most definitely room temp appetizers, I can tell you that their soft texture and absorbent carb layer would trigger a gag reflex in no time.  The feeling of gooey mush on my soft palate is just a disaster waiting to happen, no matter how festive the toothpicks and confetti.

Poop on a sponge? No, silly, it’s an original brunch!

I’m not one for organ meat. I don’t do paté or foie gras, and I definitely don’t do split chicken livers in their own juice limply parked on top of Wonder bread. Oh the textural humanity!

The Only Index, Maybe Ever, That Begins With “Burning Bush” And Ends With “Tomato Cheese Soup.”

A Free Refill On The Cup

I feel really old/sad/weird about the fact that the four years between the last World Cup and present day seem to have gone by in a flash. Is that me getting older, or is there actually some kind of time warp in effect? No matter, but I’m too lazy to come up with a fresh post right now, so please accept this re-post of a gem from the last World Cup, originally posted June 17, 2006. It’s all about the puns.

Day 9 of World Cup Widow-hood and I’m feeling ok. I don’t miss my companion as much as I thought I would, but that’s probably because he’s sitting next to me, though all his attention is turned to the U.S/Italy game and nary a keystroke on my computer can be heard by him, such is his soccer tunnel vision at the moment. But how can you not be riveted when there are yellow and red cards being spewed by the refs every 10 seconds for gross moves like this?

(After elbow to face contact was made there was bloodshed. Gross but exciting!)

Thus far my favorite elements of the World Cup are the trivial facts the announcers divulge anytime anything happens…”Germany’s first goal against Costa Rica, scored in the 6th minute of play, was the second-earliest scored goal in any World Cup opening game”…”This is the first time Ghana has beaten a European team in the Cup since 1964″…”German player Miroslav Klose is the only player in World Cup history to score twice in the opening game of the cup while also celebrating his birthday”….”Czech goalie Petr Cech is the only player to have four of the five letters of his nationality in his last name”….

Ok, they didn’t say the last one, but it’s probably accurate unless Ted Amerian plays for the U.S. I mean, the thing is that that stuff is not weird. What’s weird is the Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on July 4, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. THAT is the weird trivia trump card, I think. Not that this post is an all-American vendetta against soccer announcers but if you’re gonna spew facts, go with the good stuff, I say.

And now for some more good stuff…

Ghana shocks the world by beating Czech’s today, 2-0. In-a-Ghana Defeata

Portugal advances to the next round after a win vs. Iran. Ohhhh, They’re Halfway There, Ohhh, Lisbon on a Prayer (Incidentally, the reporters want you to know this is the first time they have advanced since 1966).

Argentina 6, Serbia & Montenegro, 0 Argentina Whips S & M

Germany,1 – Poland, 0 Germany Smokes Poles

Spain 4, Ukraine 0 The Reign of Spain Falls Mainly on Ukraine

Fancy Up Your Life With Aunt Jemima

This Aunt Jemima ad, found in an insert in my cookbook, doesn’t look that bad. In fact, I’d eat most of this. MOST. Not all.

The Pan-San sounded good until I got to the part about a layer of currant jelly mixed with a layer of sausage meat. Let’s do ourselves a favor and never refer to it ever again as “sausage meat” and just stick with “sausage”. We get that it’s meat. It’s not like we’re all sitting around pining for steak-meat or bacon-meat here. And I’ve never actually had Welsh Rarebit, but I have an old recipe book (like one of those Church Women’s Club cookbooks where everything is typed out and then mimeographed in purple ink – oh, how I miss the mimeograph. I took many a multiplication test on those hand-cranked purple-y copies. Anyone under 25 has no idea what I’m talking about, do you?) but I can’t see how waffles with cheese sauce could be bad.

I do love the fact that Aunt Jemima wants us to know just how man-pleasing and taste-pleasing her food is. Uncle Jemima must have been a really satisfied guy.

On top of spaghetti…

I don’t know, can a week go by without your family yearning for spaghetti? Is it me or is “yearn” the wrong verb to use in  the context of spaghetti? I want to mock it like Billy Crystal mocked the name Sheldon in When Harry Met Sally. “Ride me, big Sheldon.” “I yearn for you, spaghetti.” Nope. Can’t do it.

And that’s not even the worst part about this recipe – that would be the fact that this recipe for spaghetti sauce essentially is “buy store bought mix and prepare as directed”. Who even knew there was such a thing as spaghetti sauce mix? How gross must that have been? Also, I really do not appreciate the additions. Really, leftover meat, minced clams, chopped eggs, frankfurter or shrimp? This recipe is the Freddy Krueger of my food nightmares, each mix-in another finger-knife slashing away at my will to live.

Well, this is quite the trio.

Gas House Eggs! With a name like that, am I the only one thinking they taste like chewable farts?

Boy Scout Franks! Someone call child protective services.

And Hobo Bags! When they’re not fashionably being slung over the shoulder of an Olsen twin, they’re full up with potato salad and chicken. Figures.

What are these bagels you speak of, and why must we mock them?

See, back in the olden days, bagels weren’t as common as they are now. I guess they didn’t hit their stride until Lender’s came along and really gave them the boost they needed, but I’m still gonna blame their unpopularity on anti-Semitism. I saw School Ties, I know what the deal was, let’s not gloss over it. Brendan Fraser taught us all a lesson in acceptance that day.

I do so love though that a) these “mock bagels” have to be described as doughnut-shaped rolls because the concept of the bagel was still so foreign to mid-century Americans and b) this recipe calls for them to be made with tomato juice mixed into hot roll mix. It’s all a little too savory for my tastes. How could something so savory be so unsavory? It’s truly a question for the ages. Also, “covered in all kinds of spreads”=  WASP terminology for “schmear”.